Did the rain stop?
Or was it just my imagination
A sight lost in translation
A mirror fading in and out of reality
The air is blurred with glassy ripples
And there's nothing like the view from the steeple
Orbs of light float in the fading mist
Crystal bright in the rainy night
Yesterday the door to the garden broke
The metal handle is knocked slightly off center
Like two teeth slightly overlapping each other
The plants sleep in the gentle rain
And the stone walls sit quiet in the breeze
Inside the voice inside of the air
A music box tinkles slowly
And you can feel it when you breathe in some of the rainy air
Standing in the lamplight in the quiet night
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
In a minute the honey will drip from the ceiling
In an hour it will flow to the sea
In a day the clocks will turn back to one
In a week the ice will melt from their face
In a month I'll refuse to see the signs in front of me
In a year I'll be back in front of the window
And the snow will be falling down
I owed a great deal to the intricacies of time and grace
And there was joy left in this hopeless face
And in an afternoon it all could change
And the doves could be calling in the rain
In a season the rain could wash away the sound
Of wishing yearning all around
And bring the spring to begin anew
Out of a long long wintertime the flowers were blue
Blue and white and red and gold
The tales and stories we all were told
With colors and castles and gardens and gates
They'll warm your hand up if it's cold
The globe of light rolled down the street
Like a million futures told and yet to be told
What's around the corner up ahead
We can go together and find out
The typewriter now italicizes by itself
I don't know how it learned to do that
It's like how my refrigerator cooks by itself
And how my heart sleeps without being told
I could hear the bells in the wintertime
Down the street on the snowy night
And I wondered where they were coming from
And I thought I might have time to go see
In a million years this will all be gone
But maybe the trees will still be there
In a thousand years the morning glories might still shine
Under the moonlight and the stars
In a decade the scars might heal from the wood
Or maybe they're supposed to be there
Or maybe it's both or maybe it's neither
Like how the universe must both be limited and limitless
Is there a limit to this river
Or does it just flow on forever
Over waterfalls and hills and across the ground
Maybe in a year we'll find out
As we float along and along
Do the dandelions remember me?
Do the honeysuckles and milkweed and old porch swing?
Do the fountains of joy that fell from space
Carry more time within
More years of grace?
If I can't trust the voice of a flower
And the streetlights lose all of their power
And the lamplight glowing at early dusk
Is like a sliding poem smooth and unrushed
And the castles open all of their gates
And the owls forget all of their traits
And the morning in the public square
Is still without people everywhere
And the caravans of ruby and steel
Break down in the road and the passengers kneel
Before the skies and heavens above
Asking the fates to send down their love
And the morning doves forget to sing
And the noontime bells forget to ring
And the afternoon sun forgets to shine on the lake
And the sunset forgets to take its place
If the leaves forget to fall before winter
And the whirpools forget to flow around the center
And the halls won't echo as you walk through the silence
Even if the floors are made of marble
And the flowing gates of truth and time
No longer flow out and then unwind
Down the decades and through the years
Spilling out your hopes and tears
If the memories come rushing back
And you're thrown off your feet and over the tracks
And the lions guarding the train station gates
Wake up and roar and run to the hills
Out of their place
If the birthday party at six years old
Is like the math exam a decade later
If the decade flows back and you're still there
Six years old in the middle of winter
I want to be there to help you
I want to be there to make you feel better
In a thousand years the skies were still talking
Of clouds and sunlight and glowing reflections
And I looked in the mirror and wanted to make an impression
On the winds and the stars and the sea
And I looked back and there was a hand
That traced the words from long ago with a sigh
With a sigh and with a sigh
And suddenly I felt like I wanted to cry
I wanted to laugh and I wanted to sleep
In the golden arms of sunlight deep
The cool refreshing air had returned
And you were there
And you were there
In an hour it will flow to the sea
In a day the clocks will turn back to one
In a week the ice will melt from their face
In a month I'll refuse to see the signs in front of me
In a year I'll be back in front of the window
And the snow will be falling down
I owed a great deal to the intricacies of time and grace
And there was joy left in this hopeless face
And in an afternoon it all could change
And the doves could be calling in the rain
In a season the rain could wash away the sound
Of wishing yearning all around
And bring the spring to begin anew
Out of a long long wintertime the flowers were blue
Blue and white and red and gold
The tales and stories we all were told
With colors and castles and gardens and gates
They'll warm your hand up if it's cold
The globe of light rolled down the street
Like a million futures told and yet to be told
What's around the corner up ahead
We can go together and find out
The typewriter now italicizes by itself
I don't know how it learned to do that
It's like how my refrigerator cooks by itself
And how my heart sleeps without being told
I could hear the bells in the wintertime
Down the street on the snowy night
And I wondered where they were coming from
And I thought I might have time to go see
In a million years this will all be gone
But maybe the trees will still be there
In a thousand years the morning glories might still shine
Under the moonlight and the stars
In a decade the scars might heal from the wood
Or maybe they're supposed to be there
Or maybe it's both or maybe it's neither
Like how the universe must both be limited and limitless
Is there a limit to this river
Or does it just flow on forever
Over waterfalls and hills and across the ground
Maybe in a year we'll find out
As we float along and along
Do the dandelions remember me?
Do the honeysuckles and milkweed and old porch swing?
Do the fountains of joy that fell from space
Carry more time within
More years of grace?
If I can't trust the voice of a flower
And the streetlights lose all of their power
And the lamplight glowing at early dusk
Is like a sliding poem smooth and unrushed
And the castles open all of their gates
And the owls forget all of their traits
And the morning in the public square
Is still without people everywhere
And the caravans of ruby and steel
Break down in the road and the passengers kneel
Before the skies and heavens above
Asking the fates to send down their love
And the morning doves forget to sing
And the noontime bells forget to ring
And the afternoon sun forgets to shine on the lake
And the sunset forgets to take its place
If the leaves forget to fall before winter
And the whirpools forget to flow around the center
And the halls won't echo as you walk through the silence
Even if the floors are made of marble
And the flowing gates of truth and time
No longer flow out and then unwind
Down the decades and through the years
Spilling out your hopes and tears
If the memories come rushing back
And you're thrown off your feet and over the tracks
And the lions guarding the train station gates
Wake up and roar and run to the hills
Out of their place
If the birthday party at six years old
Is like the math exam a decade later
If the decade flows back and you're still there
Six years old in the middle of winter
I want to be there to help you
I want to be there to make you feel better
In a thousand years the skies were still talking
Of clouds and sunlight and glowing reflections
And I looked in the mirror and wanted to make an impression
On the winds and the stars and the sea
And I looked back and there was a hand
That traced the words from long ago with a sigh
With a sigh and with a sigh
And suddenly I felt like I wanted to cry
I wanted to laugh and I wanted to sleep
In the golden arms of sunlight deep
The cool refreshing air had returned
And you were there
And you were there
Friday, October 12, 2018
If the sun wants to open its eyes to the moon
I will ask it permission
To climb the ladder to the stars
To the dragon's eyes that shine in the sky
Where the shooting stars fall like glowing tears
If you wanted the clouds to open their eyes to the sea
I would do it for you
Or at least I would try
I would try and I would try
The clouds open up to the sea
And the rain falls to the waves beneath
Spilling its secrets all over the ocean
Like it can't hold back anymore
In the castle there is a lily
That lives in the old stone room
Up near the window and the vine of ivy
It glows in the light and sleeps in the calm
And no matter what happens, the flower stays fresh
I try to hide the castle
I try to hide its fountains and its gardens
I try to hide the pond and the honeysuckle
I try to hide the valley where it lives
Tucked away behind the mountains where no one can see
But it's no use
I am me and I am me
Just like the river flows to the sea
Like the candlelight of the stars falls on the ocean
And the swimming of whales is poetry in motion
I don't know at all where to begin
To trace my steps back around the bend
The turn in the Nile where I fell off the tracks
And Egypt fell like shards of glass
If the sunlight wanted to rest its head in my room
I would let it
I would let the light rest awhile
Its slanting streaks swirling in the golden dust
On a sleepy afternoon in the fall
If the moon wants to apologize to the sea
I will ask it to go a thousand miles
All the way around the earth
So its glow can cover all the waters
I have traveled a thousand miles
Forever ago and yesterday
To almost be back where I started
But with a thousand miles
Who knew the pyramids were made of glass?
That they could fall to the earth and shatter like a cup knocked off the counter
Who knew the Eiffel Tower was made of tears?
Tears and rain that fell from the sky
You can see it when it rains in Paris
As the steps wound down from the stars
My footsteps slowed on the spiral staircase
As I approached the earth and realized I was almost there
This was the ground you could see from the heavens
The wind slowed to listen to the songs of the trees
And I fell asleep on the couch
I wanted to sleep there all day
I wanted to sleep there all year
And still the lily in me slept
Even surrounded by shattered glass
And I loved something more than anything
And it was gone
The songs of the whales filled up the sea
Like so much moonlight shining from beneath
And the valley was quiet in the night
It's a little far away from the sea
Did you float in through my window in the night?
The curtains were open in the breeze
Sunday was quiet in the morning
It was clear and white outside
If the plants want to be childish
I will be childish with them
I never grew up in the first place
And I never will
And I was alone where I wanted to be
Where I always wanted to be
The stars fell into my bloodstream long ago
A long long time ago
My blood is filled with starlight
And I just wanted to be alone
And I just want to be alone
I will ask it permission
To climb the ladder to the stars
To the dragon's eyes that shine in the sky
Where the shooting stars fall like glowing tears
If you wanted the clouds to open their eyes to the sea
I would do it for you
Or at least I would try
I would try and I would try
The clouds open up to the sea
And the rain falls to the waves beneath
Spilling its secrets all over the ocean
Like it can't hold back anymore
In the castle there is a lily
That lives in the old stone room
Up near the window and the vine of ivy
It glows in the light and sleeps in the calm
And no matter what happens, the flower stays fresh
I try to hide the castle
I try to hide its fountains and its gardens
I try to hide the pond and the honeysuckle
I try to hide the valley where it lives
Tucked away behind the mountains where no one can see
But it's no use
I am me and I am me
Just like the river flows to the sea
Like the candlelight of the stars falls on the ocean
And the swimming of whales is poetry in motion
I don't know at all where to begin
To trace my steps back around the bend
The turn in the Nile where I fell off the tracks
And Egypt fell like shards of glass
If the sunlight wanted to rest its head in my room
I would let it
I would let the light rest awhile
Its slanting streaks swirling in the golden dust
On a sleepy afternoon in the fall
If the moon wants to apologize to the sea
I will ask it to go a thousand miles
All the way around the earth
So its glow can cover all the waters
I have traveled a thousand miles
Forever ago and yesterday
To almost be back where I started
But with a thousand miles
Who knew the pyramids were made of glass?
That they could fall to the earth and shatter like a cup knocked off the counter
Who knew the Eiffel Tower was made of tears?
Tears and rain that fell from the sky
You can see it when it rains in Paris
As the steps wound down from the stars
My footsteps slowed on the spiral staircase
As I approached the earth and realized I was almost there
This was the ground you could see from the heavens
The wind slowed to listen to the songs of the trees
And I fell asleep on the couch
I wanted to sleep there all day
I wanted to sleep there all year
And still the lily in me slept
Even surrounded by shattered glass
And I loved something more than anything
And it was gone
The songs of the whales filled up the sea
Like so much moonlight shining from beneath
And the valley was quiet in the night
It's a little far away from the sea
Did you float in through my window in the night?
The curtains were open in the breeze
Sunday was quiet in the morning
It was clear and white outside
If the plants want to be childish
I will be childish with them
I never grew up in the first place
And I never will
And I was alone where I wanted to be
Where I always wanted to be
The stars fell into my bloodstream long ago
A long long time ago
My blood is filled with starlight
And I just wanted to be alone
And I just want to be alone
Friday, September 28, 2018
If you take a breath of the stars in the night sky
Like silver snow drifting in the air
Swirling around like your breath on a freezing day
Your toes are cold in your old torn sneakers
You could go blind by looking at her all day long
Blind in your mind and blind in your soul
Looking at her with your eyes and with your soul
Running around in circles in your mind
The water drips slowly from the metal gutter
And still you're stuck there
Unmoving in the silence, looking at the place where there is no longer anyone
The water glistens on the peppermints
Like dewdrops form on the grass
And something in your heart has gone to the sea
Like the last ship of the eternal breeze
The last ship set sail from the Mediterranean harbor
And you weren't on it
Or were you?
Were you in the land of the jellyfish
The fireworks and sunshine and rocks and water
Or were you floating away on the wooden ship
Already homesick as you're going back home
Was the ship a metal ferry
Under the ancient dragons in the night sky
The moon cold white and beautiful
Glistening in the dark sea
Or was the ship a quiet night
When you're all alone
If my soul is full of blue light
Can the blue light show
Can it shine out and glow in the surrounding air
Can I keep running anywhere
When the world has stolen your breath
And you're stuck there shocked
Can you get your breath back
When the thousand years passed
And the time was up for the king to be the king
He didn't want to give up the crown
He wanted it to go on for just one more day
The hummingbird asked the summer
Can I have just one day
One more day
Before I have to make the trip for the winter
The trip all the way back to El Salvador
The flower fell from the tree
And drifted down slowly on the breeze
And landed on the quiet lake
Pink petals floating on clear water
If I travel a thousand miles in my mind
But I'm still in the same place
And only seven seconds have passed
Or only seven minutes have passed
Can I go to sleep
Can I lie onto the pillow and fall into it forever
Can I fall out of time forever
Where all of time is spent sleeping
Being inside of time
Only means running around in circles in my mind
A thousand miles in a minute, and still in the same place
Lately the sun has been falling into the sea
The golden sun sinking into the deep blue water
I want to go to the place outside of time
Where the water and wind sleep
Where the rain on the breeze falls against the window
And you can sleep forever
The strawberries sit in the bowl
All quiet and red
The raindrops keep falling on me
And I stand still
I love the rain
If you take a taste of an ice cube
Crystal snow melting in your mouth
Can you taste a thousand years
A thousand years of water
A million years of rain
If you take a taste of the stars
Can you go to sleep with starlight inside of you
The mist sprayed in from the street
The spray of the rain carrying in underneath the balcony
And still I stood there
My feet were getting cold
I didn't want to move
If you have flowers
For many months
What will happen to them
What will happen to our seas
When a million years have passed
What will happen to the forests
Can the forests come back
Can the trees come back
Can the air fall asleep for a million years
With the rain falling on its window forever
The silence drifted in the air
And it was more quiet than it was before
Like silver snow drifting in the air
Swirling around like your breath on a freezing day
Your toes are cold in your old torn sneakers
You could go blind by looking at her all day long
Blind in your mind and blind in your soul
Looking at her with your eyes and with your soul
Running around in circles in your mind
The water drips slowly from the metal gutter
And still you're stuck there
Unmoving in the silence, looking at the place where there is no longer anyone
The water glistens on the peppermints
Like dewdrops form on the grass
And something in your heart has gone to the sea
Like the last ship of the eternal breeze
The last ship set sail from the Mediterranean harbor
And you weren't on it
Or were you?
Were you in the land of the jellyfish
The fireworks and sunshine and rocks and water
Or were you floating away on the wooden ship
Already homesick as you're going back home
Was the ship a metal ferry
Under the ancient dragons in the night sky
The moon cold white and beautiful
Glistening in the dark sea
Or was the ship a quiet night
When you're all alone
If my soul is full of blue light
Can the blue light show
Can it shine out and glow in the surrounding air
Can I keep running anywhere
When the world has stolen your breath
And you're stuck there shocked
Can you get your breath back
When the thousand years passed
And the time was up for the king to be the king
He didn't want to give up the crown
He wanted it to go on for just one more day
The hummingbird asked the summer
Can I have just one day
One more day
Before I have to make the trip for the winter
The trip all the way back to El Salvador
The flower fell from the tree
And drifted down slowly on the breeze
And landed on the quiet lake
Pink petals floating on clear water
If I travel a thousand miles in my mind
But I'm still in the same place
And only seven seconds have passed
Or only seven minutes have passed
Can I go to sleep
Can I lie onto the pillow and fall into it forever
Can I fall out of time forever
Where all of time is spent sleeping
Being inside of time
Only means running around in circles in my mind
A thousand miles in a minute, and still in the same place
Lately the sun has been falling into the sea
The golden sun sinking into the deep blue water
I want to go to the place outside of time
Where the water and wind sleep
Where the rain on the breeze falls against the window
And you can sleep forever
The strawberries sit in the bowl
All quiet and red
The raindrops keep falling on me
And I stand still
I love the rain
If you take a taste of an ice cube
Crystal snow melting in your mouth
Can you taste a thousand years
A thousand years of water
A million years of rain
If you take a taste of the stars
Can you go to sleep with starlight inside of you
The mist sprayed in from the street
The spray of the rain carrying in underneath the balcony
And still I stood there
My feet were getting cold
I didn't want to move
If you have flowers
For many months
What will happen to them
What will happen to our seas
When a million years have passed
What will happen to the forests
Can the forests come back
Can the trees come back
Can the air fall asleep for a million years
With the rain falling on its window forever
The silence drifted in the air
And it was more quiet than it was before
Monday, September 24, 2018
Monday, September 10, 2018
My consciousness slipped from green to gray
Across the dreams of wishes
Fading sunlight passed through the glass
The words on the page slept silently
My mind ran around in circles
Circles circles my mind ran around in circles
The silence seemed like a thousand years
Echoing in a giant church
Can I fade into you
Can I please just fade into you
Fade away
Fade away from this earth
I have never been this lonely
Hold my breath for seventeen years
Hold my breath for seventeen moons
The moon is still in the sea
And the sea is still in me
Quiet water filling up my soul
Salty depths a mystery in the light
Looking out the window
The tales of the sky come apart
And there are no more hopes
The castles have melted away
Like glass in the sun or sand in a fishbowl
The fish goes around and around in the water
And still the water is clear and cold
A thousand seas was the promise
The breath has left the seas
It is strange how the wind floats along
And there is no voice
I will never open myself up to anyone again
This is why I stick to myself
The ache of silver is like the breath of indigo
The water pools in little droplets
The dew forms on the sun like rain drips down the window
Your heart is like a million years
Some kind of starshine fell from the ceiling
And the drops of light landed on me
The stardust of a million years past
Like hopeless shining gleaming glass
The hands of time circled around
And the clock ticked and it was no different
Nothing was different nothing was different
Still there was silence and still there was nothing
The chin on the windowsill
Looking out the window
Became part of the windowsill
After so long
Dreams come apart and no one hears the sound
No one cares
A silent symphony ending in nothing
The beautiful music stopped playing and no one cared
Crimson lamplight filled the room
And covered the darkness of the street
A music box tinkled in the corner
And I was asleep on the carpet
Can I fade away into the carpet
Fade into the carpet forever
Can I please just stay there
Back in time forever and ever
Lemon juice swirled around in the water
Like quiet food coloring on a Saturday afternoon
Can the quiet of the ice cubes
Be the quiet of the earth
The tree is there where it has always been
It is quiet and the wind blows through the leaves
The fountain flows on
The stream in the woods does too
Across the dreams of wishes
Fading sunlight passed through the glass
The words on the page slept silently
My mind ran around in circles
Circles circles my mind ran around in circles
The silence seemed like a thousand years
Echoing in a giant church
Can I fade into you
Can I please just fade into you
Fade away
Fade away from this earth
I have never been this lonely
Hold my breath for seventeen years
Hold my breath for seventeen moons
The moon is still in the sea
And the sea is still in me
Quiet water filling up my soul
Salty depths a mystery in the light
Looking out the window
The tales of the sky come apart
And there are no more hopes
The castles have melted away
Like glass in the sun or sand in a fishbowl
The fish goes around and around in the water
And still the water is clear and cold
A thousand seas was the promise
The breath has left the seas
It is strange how the wind floats along
And there is no voice
I will never open myself up to anyone again
This is why I stick to myself
The ache of silver is like the breath of indigo
The water pools in little droplets
The dew forms on the sun like rain drips down the window
Your heart is like a million years
Some kind of starshine fell from the ceiling
And the drops of light landed on me
The stardust of a million years past
Like hopeless shining gleaming glass
The hands of time circled around
And the clock ticked and it was no different
Nothing was different nothing was different
Still there was silence and still there was nothing
The chin on the windowsill
Looking out the window
Became part of the windowsill
After so long
Dreams come apart and no one hears the sound
No one cares
A silent symphony ending in nothing
The beautiful music stopped playing and no one cared
Crimson lamplight filled the room
And covered the darkness of the street
A music box tinkled in the corner
And I was asleep on the carpet
Can I fade away into the carpet
Fade into the carpet forever
Can I please just stay there
Back in time forever and ever
Lemon juice swirled around in the water
Like quiet food coloring on a Saturday afternoon
Can the quiet of the ice cubes
Be the quiet of the earth
The tree is there where it has always been
It is quiet and the wind blows through the leaves
The fountain flows on
The stream in the woods does too
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
The wind was whispering to the streets
The brick was listening in gentle peace
The breeze it whispered through the fountain
The clock in the tower kept on counting
The miles were flowing like the sea
Flows through the flowers and waters the trees
Don't listen to the call of the aching sky
Don't let it dull your sleeping mind
As the curtains sweep and open
This is that for what I've been searching
The rhymes they slipped from the sighing sea
Like dewdrops drip from sunlit leaves
In the land of time and open
The clouds and fog float on unbroken
The day is sleeping through the night
The silver ice is shining bright
The light of heaven fell from the stars
Like liquid crystal glassy shards
Shards of sunlight fell from the sky
Starlight raining in the night
Can the window open wide
To let the wind no longer hide
To sweep in through and wash my pillow
Blow all the papers and the curtains billow
The morning light of Sunday June
Is more peaceful than a robin's tune
As the rainstorm stirs and swells
And the daylight hears the noontime bells
And the aching sunlight sinks and swoons
And the sleeping tadpoles hear it too
The coming of the sweeping song
That dreams and turns and sings along
To the sound of water slow and smooth
To the sound of candy running true
The wishing well is filled with coins
The rainfall breaks and then it joins
The mist in the morning in the quiet open
The sky it sleeps across the ocean
The brick was listening in gentle peace
The breeze it whispered through the fountain
The clock in the tower kept on counting
The miles were flowing like the sea
Flows through the flowers and waters the trees
Don't listen to the call of the aching sky
Don't let it dull your sleeping mind
As the curtains sweep and open
This is that for what I've been searching
The rhymes they slipped from the sighing sea
Like dewdrops drip from sunlit leaves
In the land of time and open
The clouds and fog float on unbroken
The day is sleeping through the night
The silver ice is shining bright
The light of heaven fell from the stars
Like liquid crystal glassy shards
Shards of sunlight fell from the sky
Starlight raining in the night
Can the window open wide
To let the wind no longer hide
To sweep in through and wash my pillow
Blow all the papers and the curtains billow
The morning light of Sunday June
Is more peaceful than a robin's tune
As the rainstorm stirs and swells
And the daylight hears the noontime bells
And the aching sunlight sinks and swoons
And the sleeping tadpoles hear it too
The coming of the sweeping song
That dreams and turns and sings along
To the sound of water slow and smooth
To the sound of candy running true
The wishing well is filled with coins
The rainfall breaks and then it joins
The mist in the morning in the quiet open
The sky it sleeps across the ocean
Monday, July 9, 2018
The puddles of light fell from the sky
Colored rainy glass so bright
The glass is floating down the stream
A liquid dream within a dream
The footsteps echo on the stone
A quiet ghost in rhythmic Rome
The heartbeat slowing like a song
As it whispers on and on
Can I try these endless hours
To wash the skies with icy showers
Painted stained glass ice on shore
Washed to here right from the poles
Sundrop snowcones melt from the sky
As the golden sun continues to cry
And I dream of you and wake up alone
My heart is turning back to stone
I will be in the wind when the earth starts to sing
When the icicles melt and the bells start to ring
I will be in the ocean and won't hear the sound
Of sunlight dancing all around
Fireflies dance in the summer night
Twinkling like stars with their glowing light
Soap bubbles float in the kitchen sink
A breeze floats in through the window
Memories flow through the gates of the mind
Like photos flashing in and out of time
So much of my memory is lost to the past
It leaves grayness and color and lots of gaps
The flowers look for rain from the sky
And moon flowers look for a moonlit night
A church it looks for the sound of an organ
And fog looks for a quiet morning
Birds look for a sheltered tree
And locks look for a matching key
Sleep looks for a sleeping dream
And fairies look for a quiet stream
Colored rainy glass so bright
The glass is floating down the stream
A liquid dream within a dream
The footsteps echo on the stone
A quiet ghost in rhythmic Rome
The heartbeat slowing like a song
As it whispers on and on
Can I try these endless hours
To wash the skies with icy showers
Painted stained glass ice on shore
Washed to here right from the poles
Sundrop snowcones melt from the sky
As the golden sun continues to cry
And I dream of you and wake up alone
My heart is turning back to stone
I will be in the wind when the earth starts to sing
When the icicles melt and the bells start to ring
I will be in the ocean and won't hear the sound
Of sunlight dancing all around
Fireflies dance in the summer night
Twinkling like stars with their glowing light
Soap bubbles float in the kitchen sink
A breeze floats in through the window
Memories flow through the gates of the mind
Like photos flashing in and out of time
So much of my memory is lost to the past
It leaves grayness and color and lots of gaps
The flowers look for rain from the sky
And moon flowers look for a moonlit night
A church it looks for the sound of an organ
And fog looks for a quiet morning
Birds look for a sheltered tree
And locks look for a matching key
Sleep looks for a sleeping dream
And fairies look for a quiet stream
Friday, June 29, 2018
The puddle of light fell from the sky
The tears of paint the heavens cry
Is it easy or is it far
To dream of sinking into a star
Lions race across the plains
And I am standing in the rain
Completely still and completely alone
I don't know how to walk my way home
No one has ever been in my mind
I have kept it completely mine
Completely alone and completely alone
I am the only one at home
I don't know what the point to any of this is anymore
It all just keeps going around and around
And there is no reason
No reason at all
This is the heavens after the fall
I thought I had the answer
I thought it was a dream
And then it was all
Taken away from me
The tears of paint the heavens cry
Is it easy or is it far
To dream of sinking into a star
Lions race across the plains
And I am standing in the rain
Completely still and completely alone
I don't know how to walk my way home
No one has ever been in my mind
I have kept it completely mine
Completely alone and completely alone
I am the only one at home
I don't know what the point to any of this is anymore
It all just keeps going around and around
And there is no reason
No reason at all
This is the heavens after the fall
I thought I had the answer
I thought it was a dream
And then it was all
Taken away from me
Thursday, June 7, 2018
The lightning struck the sandy hill
The lilacs and the daffodils
The golden light blue electric blaze
Hums with a breezy sea spray haze
The violets floating in the sea
Float on the waves away from the trees
Away from the shore out into the ocean
The bees in their hives they make their potion
Of honey that will never die
A kiss on the lips a kiss goodbye
With golden honey on the lips
The kite it tumbles the heart it skips
The door it closes on the lake
The water flows up to the gates
The memories float on in strands of time
And I am trying to unwind
My past and present and hope and future
The days go on and how I miss her
The spaces in the stony walls
I trace with my mind as I walk along
I open my ears and I hear the ocean
Time flows on and it keeps on going
The trees they whisper to the wind
The sky leans down to listen in
And the desert in the midnight hour
Is filled with thunder and pouring showers
And nothing turns the heart of stone
Like feeling so so deeply alone
The yellow of the hallway walls
Is quiet like the air in fall
Forever is a very long day
When you've been taken broken torn away
From the only one you've ever loved
Loneliness fits me like a glove
Forever is so very short
When you get to spend it all with her
It's like the most soothing peaceful sleep
A living dream within a dream
However long I walk along
The paths of mist and rain and fog
I will always be sleeping in the dawn
I will always sing to my own song
I will always retreat within myself
I've never known how to do anything else
The lilacs and the daffodils
The golden light blue electric blaze
Hums with a breezy sea spray haze
The violets floating in the sea
Float on the waves away from the trees
Away from the shore out into the ocean
The bees in their hives they make their potion
Of honey that will never die
A kiss on the lips a kiss goodbye
With golden honey on the lips
The kite it tumbles the heart it skips
The door it closes on the lake
The water flows up to the gates
The memories float on in strands of time
And I am trying to unwind
My past and present and hope and future
The days go on and how I miss her
The spaces in the stony walls
I trace with my mind as I walk along
I open my ears and I hear the ocean
Time flows on and it keeps on going
The trees they whisper to the wind
The sky leans down to listen in
And the desert in the midnight hour
Is filled with thunder and pouring showers
And nothing turns the heart of stone
Like feeling so so deeply alone
The yellow of the hallway walls
Is quiet like the air in fall
Forever is a very long day
When you've been taken broken torn away
From the only one you've ever loved
Loneliness fits me like a glove
Forever is so very short
When you get to spend it all with her
It's like the most soothing peaceful sleep
A living dream within a dream
However long I walk along
The paths of mist and rain and fog
I will always be sleeping in the dawn
I will always sing to my own song
I will always retreat within myself
I've never known how to do anything else
Saturday, June 2, 2018
Saturday, May 26, 2018
I am so sleepy
I am so tired
Lightning candy cane waterfall fountain
Marble stepping stone ice cream mountain
Icicle sunset and hope on the breeze
Aurora beam starshine and chimes in the trees
Lemon glass heartache and the light of the sun
Sea spray noontime and you just wanna run
Ruby red roses and the lamp in the sky
Music box lullaby and the fireworks night
Bubbles on the breeze and the curse is it gone
The tail of a fox and the hooves of a fawn
Novocaine goosebumps and the church of the sea
Soothing cool water and I don't want to speak
Violet splashing water ice moon
Sleepy cool breeze miracle June
The madonna is quiet
The candles are still
The water is rippling on the windowsill
The kite follows the sky and the breath follows the clouds
Candy cane sighing and ice in your mouth
What is killing me
The waves wash against the wishing well
I know what's killing me
The coins shine lying in the clear water
And I am lying in the path of time
I am lying in the path of fate
Still shocked, still unsure what's going on
Trying to hold on to fate
Trying to hold on to fate
The icicles drip into the stream
The water flows like a lilting moonbeam
The golden glass is the ice of the sun
The sugar and silk and silver is spun
The breeze looks out across the bridge
A thousand years without a switch
The million stars are the million moons
A million planes and a million Junes
Singing in the rain is the song of the earth
The beauty of joy and the rush of rebirth
The dancing waves are the showers of rain
That wash over your face and heal the pain
A million candles light the way
Along the poolside the flame light plays
In the ripples of water, the cool chlorine
The quiet water is a soothing dream
What is wrong with me? What is seriously wrong with me? I never, ever actually open up to anybody. I am incapable of it. It is so natural for me to not really share myself with anybody that I do it without even thinking about it. It is so natural for me to completely close myself off that I can do it so deeply while actually thinking I'm opening up. I actually thought I was open to her, I actually thought I was completely sharing myself with her and not holding back. But looking back I realize that I was holding myself back like always. I think of myself as having learned to open up a little more as time has gone on. And I have, in a certain way. I was more honest and openly communicative with her than I could have ever possibly been before in the past. It's partly because of the improvement and personal growth I have made over the last years and partly because of who she is, because we work so well together. It's so natural getting along with her, I actually want to talk to her and explain myself with things and have a shared understanding and a shared story and a shared path. I'm so comfortable with her. It's completely different from how I could be with anyone else, I actually wanted to really be connected always and to explain myself with things and to have a genuine, open, deep connection.
But I was still always holding back. I'm always aware that I'm doing it, because it's just who I am, it's just how I'm comfortable in the world. I knew that I always was some with her. But I didn't realize until the last couple of months how thoroughly I really was holding myself back, how much of myself I was allowing to be missing. I really thought I was thoroughly open with her. Our relationship was really good, and we were really connected, and I really was really there, and at the same time I was still holding myself back, and that hurt things in our relationship. I just never think about sharing. I never think about opening up, and so it goes way too neglected. Letting her learn more about me and be more connected to what's inside me and in my head, my past and my memory and my dreams. And when I do think about it, when I do think about sharing, I usually don't do it, I usually keep it inside. I just always automatically want to listen to her, I want to let her share as much as possible, I want to make her happy and let her feel better by opening up and talking about things. And things work really well when things are working naturally with us, we have a natural balance where it's always right. But because of everything I ended up not sharing often enough or deeply enough, and that hurts things because then she can't feel as close to me as she wants to or as she should. She really loves learning about people and learning about their stories and learning about me, and I just never gave her enough, and I didn't really realize it. I just don't think about sharing enough.
And in so many ways, I'm more closed off than I ever have been before. I've just become so thoroughly pushed inside of myself by everything, my natural state and my default now is in muting myself so much. I don't want to open myself up because I'm afraid of being hurt. I don't want to really be open with anyone because I don't want my true self to be disapproved of. It's so simple but it's everything. It's always how I've been, I've always wanted to deal with everything on my own, it's always been one of my deepest held principles to keep things inside and not open up with my feelings and not complain and be able to deal with things on my own. It's always how I've been, it's just gotten so much worse. And I really thought it had actually gotten better. Because I've had a lot of personal growth I've thought of an important part of it as being me learning how to open up a little better. And I have learned how to open up a little better. It's just my shell has gotten closer and closer to my inside, has shrunk more and more around myself, so that the self that I'm opening up is by default much more constricted, much more muted than it used to be. I'm just so afraid of that feeling of being disapproved of, that feeling of my true self being undervalued by someone I care about, that feeling of being not listened to, that feeling of not being reciprocated. And I have no reason to have that fear with her, she always values me so naturally and so deeply, she is better at that than anyone could possibly be. I just have that fear so reflexively, from what has happened to me before, and I've retreated so much into myself, and silenced so much of my dreams on default. I don't dream anymore, I don't have that feeling where what I'm living actually matters, where I'm working towards something that has yet to be uncovered and discovered but is truly meaningful. I don't have dreams. I'm just existing, waiting for this all to end, waiting until I can leave all of this. I literally don't care about what I do for the rest of my life, I don't have aspirations about changing the world anymore, I literally don't care. I'm just trying to get by and be happy. I don't feel like I'm working towards anything anymore at all. I only care about her, that's something I do really care about, I only care about being with her, about being able to be with her again. I just want to be with her.
A deep part of me really thought that this had all changed completely, that I was much more open now, that I was much more myself than ever before. Because she was so good for me, because she helped me feel like myself so much more, because we were so good together, because she helped me really start living again, I thought it had all completely gotten better. But I'm a lot more broken than I realized, and I was starting from a lower point than I realized. So I really am more myself than I have been in a long long time, because of her, and I really was much more open than I had ever been with another person, and I really was much better. I'm more myself than I have been in a long long time, but with what I present to the world, with how I'm connected to the world, not nearly as much as I used to be. A long long time ago. A part of me disappeared and I've really had trouble getting it back. I just don't want to be a part of things anymore, so deeply. My instinct towards keeping everything inside, towards dealing with everything on my own, towards keeping myself from being hurt by making myself as invulnerable as possible, keeps hurting me in the end.
I don't want to wait until the seas rise and fall
I don't want to wait for the stars to be in thrall
I don't want to wait for the italics to last in the sky
I don't want to wait for the Sultan of Brunei
To get a conscience and give away all his riches
For the peregrine falcon to start swimming with the fishes
I don't want to wait for the quiet night
To glow with the blue of ocean light
I don't want to wait for the ancient stars
To shine down on these seas of ours
The quiet evening churchside pew
On a calm Sunday morning in June
Is the comfort of the soft rainfall
As I hear the footsteps down the hall
So let the castle gates open again
Let the key turn in the lock
Let the fountains flow with water
Let the dust wipe off the clocks
Let the flowers bead with dew
Let the whales sing in the deep
Let the windows open all new
Let me lie down and go to sleep
I am so tired
Lightning candy cane waterfall fountain
Marble stepping stone ice cream mountain
Icicle sunset and hope on the breeze
Aurora beam starshine and chimes in the trees
Lemon glass heartache and the light of the sun
Sea spray noontime and you just wanna run
Ruby red roses and the lamp in the sky
Music box lullaby and the fireworks night
Bubbles on the breeze and the curse is it gone
The tail of a fox and the hooves of a fawn
Novocaine goosebumps and the church of the sea
Soothing cool water and I don't want to speak
Violet splashing water ice moon
Sleepy cool breeze miracle June
The madonna is quiet
The candles are still
The water is rippling on the windowsill
The kite follows the sky and the breath follows the clouds
Candy cane sighing and ice in your mouth
What is killing me
The waves wash against the wishing well
I know what's killing me
The coins shine lying in the clear water
And I am lying in the path of time
I am lying in the path of fate
Still shocked, still unsure what's going on
Trying to hold on to fate
Trying to hold on to fate
The icicles drip into the stream
The water flows like a lilting moonbeam
The golden glass is the ice of the sun
The sugar and silk and silver is spun
The breeze looks out across the bridge
A thousand years without a switch
The million stars are the million moons
A million planes and a million Junes
Singing in the rain is the song of the earth
The beauty of joy and the rush of rebirth
The dancing waves are the showers of rain
That wash over your face and heal the pain
A million candles light the way
Along the poolside the flame light plays
In the ripples of water, the cool chlorine
The quiet water is a soothing dream
What is wrong with me? What is seriously wrong with me? I never, ever actually open up to anybody. I am incapable of it. It is so natural for me to not really share myself with anybody that I do it without even thinking about it. It is so natural for me to completely close myself off that I can do it so deeply while actually thinking I'm opening up. I actually thought I was open to her, I actually thought I was completely sharing myself with her and not holding back. But looking back I realize that I was holding myself back like always. I think of myself as having learned to open up a little more as time has gone on. And I have, in a certain way. I was more honest and openly communicative with her than I could have ever possibly been before in the past. It's partly because of the improvement and personal growth I have made over the last years and partly because of who she is, because we work so well together. It's so natural getting along with her, I actually want to talk to her and explain myself with things and have a shared understanding and a shared story and a shared path. I'm so comfortable with her. It's completely different from how I could be with anyone else, I actually wanted to really be connected always and to explain myself with things and to have a genuine, open, deep connection.
But I was still always holding back. I'm always aware that I'm doing it, because it's just who I am, it's just how I'm comfortable in the world. I knew that I always was some with her. But I didn't realize until the last couple of months how thoroughly I really was holding myself back, how much of myself I was allowing to be missing. I really thought I was thoroughly open with her. Our relationship was really good, and we were really connected, and I really was really there, and at the same time I was still holding myself back, and that hurt things in our relationship. I just never think about sharing. I never think about opening up, and so it goes way too neglected. Letting her learn more about me and be more connected to what's inside me and in my head, my past and my memory and my dreams. And when I do think about it, when I do think about sharing, I usually don't do it, I usually keep it inside. I just always automatically want to listen to her, I want to let her share as much as possible, I want to make her happy and let her feel better by opening up and talking about things. And things work really well when things are working naturally with us, we have a natural balance where it's always right. But because of everything I ended up not sharing often enough or deeply enough, and that hurts things because then she can't feel as close to me as she wants to or as she should. She really loves learning about people and learning about their stories and learning about me, and I just never gave her enough, and I didn't really realize it. I just don't think about sharing enough.
And in so many ways, I'm more closed off than I ever have been before. I've just become so thoroughly pushed inside of myself by everything, my natural state and my default now is in muting myself so much. I don't want to open myself up because I'm afraid of being hurt. I don't want to really be open with anyone because I don't want my true self to be disapproved of. It's so simple but it's everything. It's always how I've been, I've always wanted to deal with everything on my own, it's always been one of my deepest held principles to keep things inside and not open up with my feelings and not complain and be able to deal with things on my own. It's always how I've been, it's just gotten so much worse. And I really thought it had actually gotten better. Because I've had a lot of personal growth I've thought of an important part of it as being me learning how to open up a little better. And I have learned how to open up a little better. It's just my shell has gotten closer and closer to my inside, has shrunk more and more around myself, so that the self that I'm opening up is by default much more constricted, much more muted than it used to be. I'm just so afraid of that feeling of being disapproved of, that feeling of my true self being undervalued by someone I care about, that feeling of being not listened to, that feeling of not being reciprocated. And I have no reason to have that fear with her, she always values me so naturally and so deeply, she is better at that than anyone could possibly be. I just have that fear so reflexively, from what has happened to me before, and I've retreated so much into myself, and silenced so much of my dreams on default. I don't dream anymore, I don't have that feeling where what I'm living actually matters, where I'm working towards something that has yet to be uncovered and discovered but is truly meaningful. I don't have dreams. I'm just existing, waiting for this all to end, waiting until I can leave all of this. I literally don't care about what I do for the rest of my life, I don't have aspirations about changing the world anymore, I literally don't care. I'm just trying to get by and be happy. I don't feel like I'm working towards anything anymore at all. I only care about her, that's something I do really care about, I only care about being with her, about being able to be with her again. I just want to be with her.
A deep part of me really thought that this had all changed completely, that I was much more open now, that I was much more myself than ever before. Because she was so good for me, because she helped me feel like myself so much more, because we were so good together, because she helped me really start living again, I thought it had all completely gotten better. But I'm a lot more broken than I realized, and I was starting from a lower point than I realized. So I really am more myself than I have been in a long long time, because of her, and I really was much more open than I had ever been with another person, and I really was much better. I'm more myself than I have been in a long long time, but with what I present to the world, with how I'm connected to the world, not nearly as much as I used to be. A long long time ago. A part of me disappeared and I've really had trouble getting it back. I just don't want to be a part of things anymore, so deeply. My instinct towards keeping everything inside, towards dealing with everything on my own, towards keeping myself from being hurt by making myself as invulnerable as possible, keeps hurting me in the end.
I don't want to wait until the seas rise and fall
I don't want to wait for the stars to be in thrall
I don't want to wait for the italics to last in the sky
I don't want to wait for the Sultan of Brunei
To get a conscience and give away all his riches
For the peregrine falcon to start swimming with the fishes
I don't want to wait for the quiet night
To glow with the blue of ocean light
I don't want to wait for the ancient stars
To shine down on these seas of ours
The quiet evening churchside pew
On a calm Sunday morning in June
Is the comfort of the soft rainfall
As I hear the footsteps down the hall
So let the castle gates open again
Let the key turn in the lock
Let the fountains flow with water
Let the dust wipe off the clocks
Let the flowers bead with dew
Let the whales sing in the deep
Let the windows open all new
Let me lie down and go to sleep
Thursday, May 24, 2018
I am a terrible person
I am such a terrible person
I never realized how truly terrible I am
The spirits of the past haunt our steps down the streets
The paths of time in the golden light
Is the golden light a reflection?
Cast from the mirrored globes on the edges of the curves
Or is it the real sun?
Everyone else is so real
Really themselves, being themselves in this world
And I am just infinitely removed
I try to be as much myself as possible
I value it more than almost anyone
I value being genuine more than almost anything
I never want to let the world try to make me be some way or be fake
I never want to conform and I am always trying not to in every way I can
I hate everything about the social world and fakeness and the way everyone is
So so many little things irritate me on a daily basis in so many ways about society and people and the way our culture is and how fake and shallow and ingenuine and vapid it all is and how everyone follows along in so many ways
I always try to be genuine and real with everyone and I am always consciously aware of it, I am always trying to be nice to everyone and make everybody feel better and feel valued, and I am always trying to have real interaction with people where I am myself and where I give off genuineness and spirit and positivity and deepness, and in the process encourage others to open up more and be more themselves and be more comfortable with being genuine, to show them that I am not going to limit things to social niceties and the prescribed expectations of being cool, and thus they don't have to either when they're talking to me. It's very subtle but it really works, and it comes really naturally to me. I always want to help the world and my literal first instinct with people is always getting along with them and trying to help them feel valued and feel good.
And I am really good at it, I'm better at all of that than almost anyone.
And yet despite that, and in fact it is connected to all of this, everyone else is still more real with each other and in how they live in the world than I am. Despite the fakeness of everyone, despite everyone trying so hard to be cool all the time, despite everyone being so uncomfortable with really being themselves with each other and with really accepting themselves and who they really are, everyone else is still just so much more real than I am. Everyone else is really there. There's an unconsciousness to people that I really see, and that a part of me wishes I had, and that I don't understand. I am very very self-conscious, but it's not just that. Everyone else just seems to accept living at face-value, and to just accept being a part of things in a way I never can. Even the people who are like me, who are naturally shy and interested in being genuine, even my family and close friends, all are so much more really there than I am.
It's always been like this, for as long as I can remember. It's always been normal to me, and I never really fully thought about it until pretty recently. Everyone just seems to be a part of life and to want to keep on living more than I could ever possibly hope to. Even the people I know who are depressed, and sad, and dejected, people who are way more depressed than me seem to accept just being a part of things in a way that I truly cannot do. Everyone else has this desire to live, to be a part of the world, with deep hopes and dreams and a pressing need to go on and explore and lean on each other and find their path, without even realizing it.
For as long as I can remember, I haven't really wanted to live. I know when I was a kid, I was less like this, I know I was happier and more unconscious and more free. But I barely remember my early childhood, I have a really weird memory. I have an extremely good memory in certain ways and an extremely bad memory in other ways. I can remember school stuff really well, academic stuff, I've always been able to and I've always been really good at it, better than almost anyone. And I can remember certain things from the past really well, certain flashes of memory that I remember like they were yesterday, usually little insignificant things or happenings, but for some reason randomly they stayed with me, and they're always with me, and even though I was five or seven or nine I remember how I was thinking at the time and it feels very very similar to me now, once my mind settled it has stayed very constant through time, I matured mentally really early. It has taken me longer to mature in other respects but my cognitive mind has always been mature much ahead of others.
I can remember conversations really well, I can remember exactly what I said to someone and I can remember exactly what they said to me, years and years later. Not every conversation obviously, but a lot of conversations, and especially things that were significant and meaningful, but also things that weren't as much.
I remember things that I read really well, and a lot of times I can remember exactly where it was on the page that I read it, I can see it in my head. This always helped me a lot in school, school was always really easy for me and always came really naturally, and it also helps with finding my place in a book where I left off. But I can't do it as well as I used to.
I remember the presidents and states and countries and capitals and everything like that, once I've learned those things like that they're in my head forever and they're always going to be. I'm definitely really good at remembering stuff like that.
I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays and dates, if a birthday or a date is meaningful to me I always remember it really easily. But I forget others. I've always loved numbers so I remember a lot of things with numbers well, I've noticed that if something has a number connected to it it usually really increases the chance that I'll remember it.
I remember things with mental math really well, what 17 * 6 is and that 1/7 is .1428571428, I have so much math stuff stored in my head, I always loved math and I would always do math in my head for fun.
But most things I have a really bad memory for, it is always so cloudy. I can't remember most of my childhood. Everyone else in my family has always been able to remember so much more from our childhoods, there are those certain things that I remember but then everything else is completely blank or almost blank. It is always amazing to me how much they can remember, there will always be so so many things that they cannot believe I can't remember and I am literally just amazed that it's possible to remember all of that. It completely changes your worldview, I have always just been used to almost completely not remembering my childhood, but for my brothers and sister that's not a default. It's actually much more there for them.
I am bad at remembering things from the recent past too, I'm bad at remembering when things happened a few days or a few weeks or a few months before. My mom and my younger brother are especially good at that, they'll remember that something happened on the Thursday three weeks before and I literally just cannot fathom how they remember that. It all quickly becomes so hazy for me.
And the intermediate past I am bad at remembering too, my past in between my childhood and the recent present. Just like with my childhood, there are certain things that I remember really well and that are always there, but most of it is lost. And it is lost a lot more than it is for other people, I have always been used to not remembering the past and other people remembering it a lot more.
I have an especially bad memory for directions, it is truly an impairment. I've lived my whole life in Harrisonburg and traveled around the whole city infinite times, and until recently I literally could not get around by myself. It helped some when I started running, particularly beginning in high school, especially when I would run by myself, I noticed that when I ran places around the city, for the first time I could remember some things with how to get from place to place. But before that it was literally all a gray area, I knew each part of the city, each part of Harrisonburg had a place in my mind, but I literally could not understand how they went together. It was kind of like there were the different parts but between them was just a haze. If you put me somewhere and asked me how to get to somewhere, along a pathway I'd been thousands of times, I literally could not do it.
It started helping some when I started driving too, I started learning it a little more. But up until the last year I still really struggled with it. Now as a pizza delivery driver the past year and a half I've really learned it and I know how to get around the whole city, which is part of why I thought it would be cool to get the job in the first place, I thought it might help me with directions.
But even now, still, there will be sometimes when I get momentarily confused. Everything will just be a gray area in my head thinking about directions and I cannot for the life of me for a few minutes straighten anything out.
Especially the last few years, after I knew some directions in Harrisonburg but before I started delivering, a lot of times it would happen where I would get confused and start second-guessing myself about what was the right way to go or where was the right way to turn, and I could not find any guidance from my mental intuition. With most things, I will have an instinctual sense of something, and if I'm trying to figure it out I can piece out what my gut instinct is and know that going with it is usually right. But with directions, I'll second guess myself, and then I'll second guess my second-guessing, and it all swirls around in my head and I literally cannot find any solid ground to go from. My memory of places is just not concrete enough to remember how to get from place to place unless I've consciously directed myself along the path thousands and thousands of times. Places often look a lot different than how I remember it in my head, and that is a big part of the problem. My conception of spatial reality is always filtered through my particular personal lens. And it always ends up being cloudy and confused, with some things I remember quite well because they're meaningful to me but most places around it look different in real life or don't exist at all in my mind. It all goes back to how I am, I'm always just in my head thinking about things and don't have a good grasp of spatial reality or my surroundings. And it has always especially made directions difficult for me. I truly never thought I could really learn how to get around Harrisonburg, I never imagined that I could possibly have the capability with it that I have now. It was all just always so cloudy, it was like someone trying to get around New York City for the first time, every single time. So I've really improved with directions when it comes to Harrisonburg.
But anywhere else and it all comes back again. I've improved just a little bit with my general directional ability, from getting better with Harrisonburg, but not much at all. You put me anywhere else, and it is as hopeless as ever.
I have a bad memory with responsibilities and deadlines too. If there's something that I have to do, I'll remember that I have to do it, and then I'll forget about it for two hours or twenty four hours or a week and it'll usually take me a while to sort everything out. I have so many cycles with responsibilities and things that I still have to do that I haven't done yet. I forget deadlines and future dates and times really easily too, it really has trouble sticking. For Ciro's I have a fixed schedule, but for Domino's the dates and times were all over the place, it could be literally any time starting or ending at 0, 15, 30, or 45 after the hour, from 9:30 in the morning to 4 AM at night, on any day of the week, and I actually really liked the variability and fluidity, but I always had trouble remembering when I was working. And I could look at when I was working on a certain day, see that it was 11:15 am to 6:00 pm, look away, and literally the next second forget exactly what the times were. All the 15s and 30s and 45s really messed with me, I have a good memory with numbers but not when they're imperfect, in a non-mathematical format. It's why I have a bad memory with telephone numbers. So that especially made it difficult, but I have a bad memory with stuff like that in general. I just really have trouble remembering things like that. And then I know people who not only know their own schedule by heart, but the schedule of everyone else that works with them for the coming weeks. It's really impressive.
That part of my mind and my memory is especially pronounced and highlighted when I'm hearing a deadline or some kind of official, formal communication. It would happen literally all the time in class, I would hear everything the teacher said really well, but the instant they started talking about when something was due or when a test was or something like that, my mind would tune out, and then it would start hearing again when they started talking about something else. And it wasn't on purpose, it wasn't like I wasn't listening on purpose or was even aware that I was zoning out, it would just happen the minute somebody started talking about deadlines. The same thing still happens now, when I'm watching sports on TV or something and they start showing when the next games are going to be, I immediately tune out and then I realize after the image is gone from the screen that I completely didn't hear what they said. It happens in other ways too, when someone's talking on TV or on a video or something and they start telling you something that's in that same vein, a formal communication about something you need to know, I often tune that out too. Something about that type of communication tells my mind that it's time to rest and tune out for a minute, it's really ingrained.
So I have a bad memory with a lot of things. But anyway, all of this is to say that I don't remember my childhood very well, but I know that when I was younger I was happier and more unconscious. But as far back as I can remember, I can remember having a part of me that didn't really want to live. And not in a dark way either, I've never wanted to die, and I've only been close to that a few periods in my life. But not wanting to die is different from wanting to live. And I just really don't exactly. Every single day, at some point it comes into my mind. I'm content to go on in life, and to go along with things, to be a part of things, to float along like a bottle on a river and try to be happy and have a good life while it lasts. But I'm always waiting for it to end. I look forward to when I can finally rest. I look forward to it more than anything else. For me, life is so long. It's incredible how long humans live. There is so much depth in a single day, a single week, a single month, and most people get so many years of it. It's really incredible, and I really do enjoy it and appreciate it, but I can't ever get rid of the deep feeling that I want to go away and not exist anymore. I'm enjoying it while it lasts, and trying to be grateful for everything and have as good of a life as possible, but I'm always waiting for it to end.
And this is part of what I mean, that everyone else is just so much more real than me. Everyone else just seems to accept living as the default, and just seems to want to be a part of things, and to just be a part of things, in a way I never have been. Everyone else seems to have things they're really, actually interested in doing in the future. I don't have that energy. I'm really interested in a lot of things, but I would be completely content for it all to just go away right now. I don't have the feeling that my path is incomplete. I'm content to just go along and enjoy things, but I really just want to be here for the people I care about. And I'm just waiting until I can rest.
I feel removed from a lot of things. I am truly, infinitely removed from being my true, uninhibited self around other people. I don't even know what that is. Everything for me is controlled, I plan so many things in my mind and I don't do anything without thinking about it first. It's just how I naturally am, I'm always trying to perfect how I am towards the world. So me being really myself is in being not-uninhibited, not free, not uncalculated. I am completely myself, and I really am inside of me, but I never fully, truly present that to other people. I'm always trying to perfect my interactions with people and I'm always trying to accommodate everyone as much as possible. I can only truly be myself inside of me, where I always am completely, genuinely me.
I don't really care about most people. It's a complete contradiction, I care really deeply about everyone and I am really sensitive. I can instantly find myself caring deeply about a complete stranger I just met, it happens all the time. Their problems become my problems; I want to make them feel better, I want to make them feel validated, because that's what makes me feel good. I have a deep desire to make everyone feel validated when I come in contact with them, to make them feel valued and listened to and cared about. It's one of my strongest instincts, I cannot not do that with people. It is very very hard for me to be unfriendly. The hardest thing in the world for me is hearing somebody say something and not giving them some recognition or response that I heard them, not giving them something that validates them.
But at the same time, I still do not care about most people. I realized years ago, that there's only very few people that I would actually care if they died. There's my immediate family, and there's a couple close friends. If any of them died, it would be very very difficult for me. But anybody else, and I truly genuinely could not care less. Intellectually I care, but it doesn't really affect me emotionally at all. Even people that I'm close to or that I care about a lot, I can think about if they died and how I would feel, and I really cannot see myself actually being affected inside. I would just keep on going and be just as happy as before. If they're within that very small circle for me, then I can see myself being very affected. But anybody outside of that, and I know that I would really feel nothing. I've had people in my extended family die, and some I felt more for than others, but in the end I'm always feeling quite peaceful and happy inside while everyone else around me is crying and sad and upset.
I care much more about animals dying than people, animals dying really affects me, I don't have to know the animal at all. Especially dogs. I don't know why, it's just how I am.
I care much more about fictional characters usually too than most people.
Am I just a shell
Floating on the wind
A shell of myself
Of I don't know what
A shell of the sky
A shell of the sea
A shell of the stars
A shell of 5 year old me, running with my jacket
Is there a lamp
That will light the way
That will bring the ships into the bay
That will light the path cause there's no stars
That will fill the days and heal the scars
Is there a key
That will open the lock
That will free the clouds and open the clocks
For time to slide into the sky
And take you away on a timeless ride
I want to keep going
But it's also pretty hard
The icicles are beautiful but the glassy shards
Are sharp to step on
When the world turns upside down
When the earth flies into the sky
It's hard to keep both feet on the ground
There's a person, who is more genuine than anyone I've ever known, more really herself, than I ever thought possible. She reminded me what it's like to actually feel the goodness and deepness of the world and not feel embarrassed about it, to actually seek out the colors, to actually be myself.
And I used this person, I used her, so deeply, without even realizing it. Without fully realizing what I was doing, and I might have ruined everything. If I could do that, what am I capable of doing? What harm am I capable of causing? If I could do that, to the only truly good thing that's ever come across my path. I am not meant for good things. The truth is I am way too selfish. I think of myself as good, but I really am pretty terrible. I've never fully realized it until now. This is something that this has taught me. At the end of the day, I am always, always going to think of myself above everything else, and that is bad for this world. I am nicer to others than anyone I know, but there are people I know who actually care about other people. Who would actually sacrifice themselves for other people, who would actually put others above themselves, who would sacrifice themselves for me. Who have sacrificed themselves for me. I do not sacrifice myself for anything. I avoid sacrifice like the plague. And I only do it, if it presents itself as the best option for me, to get what I want from things. Sure I accommodate other people, I'm really really good at that, but at the end of the day it's only cause I like doing that. To get me to actually do something that I don't want to do, willingly and of my own volition, to volunteer my sacrifice for somebody else, is so foreign to me. I cannot actually think of when I have ever done that. And there are people I know, who would do that in a heartbeat, who do that all the time, who have done that for me.
And I just take it for granted, I so naturally take it for granted. I expect that that's how things are going to be. And I am always calculating, trying to arrange things, trying to get everything how I want it to maximize my pleasure and my comfort and my ease. Sure I include the people I care about in that, and try to arrange things for everyone to get along as much as possible and be as happy as possible too, but that's only at the end of the day because that makes me feel good. In the end, what I'm after is helping myself feel good. I thought that I could have both, but ultimately goodness does not really come from selfishness. I am not selfish in the natural or traditional sense, I'm always paying attention to everyone's feelings and trying not to hurt others, and I very rarely just go for what I want or indulge in what I want, I am a master of endlessly delaying gratification and I am a master of patience, but in the end I will always put myself above everything else.
Am I just a shell
Of the ghosts of my past
Which will come out to hurt
The good things in my path
I've stored up all this sadness inside
And I thought I could bottle it up
And it would all go away
And I thought I could turn it into goodness for the world
But it turns out
That sadness is just sadness
And hurt is just hurt
And I am broken
A broken thing
That doesn't work right
And that is going to hurt those that come near it
When have I actually ever done anything good? I do good for the people I care about, but outside of that I have done close to nothing. I am too selfish, too comfortable, to ever step outside of my world and try to help the world outside.
I could travel to the moon
And I would still be alone
Because you wouldn't be there
I could travel to the sea
I could jump into the breeze
I could fall into the stars
I could fall asleep at the park
I could take a candle to the pool
And let it float out gliding smooth
I could go to London Greece and Rome
I could go to sleep and go back home
I could hear the footsteps down the hall
I could eat a foreign candy bar
I could whistle to the swimming whales
I could open up all the world's mail
I could skate across a frozen lake
I could sleep and dream while I'm awake
I could sleep beneath the sprinkling rain
I could sleep on a quiet moving train
I could swim beneath the soothing breeze
I could climb a hundred thousand trees
I could find the best tree in the world
I could see a whirlpool as it swirled
I could go the caves and go to the sea
I could let the quiet come to me
I could see the sunrise from the hill
I could eat some ice cream as it spills
But you wouldn't be there
And you wouldn't be there
I am such a terrible person
I never realized how truly terrible I am
The spirits of the past haunt our steps down the streets
The paths of time in the golden light
Is the golden light a reflection?
Cast from the mirrored globes on the edges of the curves
Or is it the real sun?
Everyone else is so real
Really themselves, being themselves in this world
And I am just infinitely removed
I try to be as much myself as possible
I value it more than almost anyone
I value being genuine more than almost anything
I never want to let the world try to make me be some way or be fake
I never want to conform and I am always trying not to in every way I can
I hate everything about the social world and fakeness and the way everyone is
So so many little things irritate me on a daily basis in so many ways about society and people and the way our culture is and how fake and shallow and ingenuine and vapid it all is and how everyone follows along in so many ways
I always try to be genuine and real with everyone and I am always consciously aware of it, I am always trying to be nice to everyone and make everybody feel better and feel valued, and I am always trying to have real interaction with people where I am myself and where I give off genuineness and spirit and positivity and deepness, and in the process encourage others to open up more and be more themselves and be more comfortable with being genuine, to show them that I am not going to limit things to social niceties and the prescribed expectations of being cool, and thus they don't have to either when they're talking to me. It's very subtle but it really works, and it comes really naturally to me. I always want to help the world and my literal first instinct with people is always getting along with them and trying to help them feel valued and feel good.
And I am really good at it, I'm better at all of that than almost anyone.
And yet despite that, and in fact it is connected to all of this, everyone else is still more real with each other and in how they live in the world than I am. Despite the fakeness of everyone, despite everyone trying so hard to be cool all the time, despite everyone being so uncomfortable with really being themselves with each other and with really accepting themselves and who they really are, everyone else is still just so much more real than I am. Everyone else is really there. There's an unconsciousness to people that I really see, and that a part of me wishes I had, and that I don't understand. I am very very self-conscious, but it's not just that. Everyone else just seems to accept living at face-value, and to just accept being a part of things in a way I never can. Even the people who are like me, who are naturally shy and interested in being genuine, even my family and close friends, all are so much more really there than I am.
It's always been like this, for as long as I can remember. It's always been normal to me, and I never really fully thought about it until pretty recently. Everyone just seems to be a part of life and to want to keep on living more than I could ever possibly hope to. Even the people I know who are depressed, and sad, and dejected, people who are way more depressed than me seem to accept just being a part of things in a way that I truly cannot do. Everyone else has this desire to live, to be a part of the world, with deep hopes and dreams and a pressing need to go on and explore and lean on each other and find their path, without even realizing it.
For as long as I can remember, I haven't really wanted to live. I know when I was a kid, I was less like this, I know I was happier and more unconscious and more free. But I barely remember my early childhood, I have a really weird memory. I have an extremely good memory in certain ways and an extremely bad memory in other ways. I can remember school stuff really well, academic stuff, I've always been able to and I've always been really good at it, better than almost anyone. And I can remember certain things from the past really well, certain flashes of memory that I remember like they were yesterday, usually little insignificant things or happenings, but for some reason randomly they stayed with me, and they're always with me, and even though I was five or seven or nine I remember how I was thinking at the time and it feels very very similar to me now, once my mind settled it has stayed very constant through time, I matured mentally really early. It has taken me longer to mature in other respects but my cognitive mind has always been mature much ahead of others.
I can remember conversations really well, I can remember exactly what I said to someone and I can remember exactly what they said to me, years and years later. Not every conversation obviously, but a lot of conversations, and especially things that were significant and meaningful, but also things that weren't as much.
I remember things that I read really well, and a lot of times I can remember exactly where it was on the page that I read it, I can see it in my head. This always helped me a lot in school, school was always really easy for me and always came really naturally, and it also helps with finding my place in a book where I left off. But I can't do it as well as I used to.
I remember the presidents and states and countries and capitals and everything like that, once I've learned those things like that they're in my head forever and they're always going to be. I'm definitely really good at remembering stuff like that.
I'm pretty good at remembering birthdays and dates, if a birthday or a date is meaningful to me I always remember it really easily. But I forget others. I've always loved numbers so I remember a lot of things with numbers well, I've noticed that if something has a number connected to it it usually really increases the chance that I'll remember it.
I remember things with mental math really well, what 17 * 6 is and that 1/7 is .1428571428, I have so much math stuff stored in my head, I always loved math and I would always do math in my head for fun.
But most things I have a really bad memory for, it is always so cloudy. I can't remember most of my childhood. Everyone else in my family has always been able to remember so much more from our childhoods, there are those certain things that I remember but then everything else is completely blank or almost blank. It is always amazing to me how much they can remember, there will always be so so many things that they cannot believe I can't remember and I am literally just amazed that it's possible to remember all of that. It completely changes your worldview, I have always just been used to almost completely not remembering my childhood, but for my brothers and sister that's not a default. It's actually much more there for them.
I am bad at remembering things from the recent past too, I'm bad at remembering when things happened a few days or a few weeks or a few months before. My mom and my younger brother are especially good at that, they'll remember that something happened on the Thursday three weeks before and I literally just cannot fathom how they remember that. It all quickly becomes so hazy for me.
And the intermediate past I am bad at remembering too, my past in between my childhood and the recent present. Just like with my childhood, there are certain things that I remember really well and that are always there, but most of it is lost. And it is lost a lot more than it is for other people, I have always been used to not remembering the past and other people remembering it a lot more.
I have an especially bad memory for directions, it is truly an impairment. I've lived my whole life in Harrisonburg and traveled around the whole city infinite times, and until recently I literally could not get around by myself. It helped some when I started running, particularly beginning in high school, especially when I would run by myself, I noticed that when I ran places around the city, for the first time I could remember some things with how to get from place to place. But before that it was literally all a gray area, I knew each part of the city, each part of Harrisonburg had a place in my mind, but I literally could not understand how they went together. It was kind of like there were the different parts but between them was just a haze. If you put me somewhere and asked me how to get to somewhere, along a pathway I'd been thousands of times, I literally could not do it.
It started helping some when I started driving too, I started learning it a little more. But up until the last year I still really struggled with it. Now as a pizza delivery driver the past year and a half I've really learned it and I know how to get around the whole city, which is part of why I thought it would be cool to get the job in the first place, I thought it might help me with directions.
But even now, still, there will be sometimes when I get momentarily confused. Everything will just be a gray area in my head thinking about directions and I cannot for the life of me for a few minutes straighten anything out.
Especially the last few years, after I knew some directions in Harrisonburg but before I started delivering, a lot of times it would happen where I would get confused and start second-guessing myself about what was the right way to go or where was the right way to turn, and I could not find any guidance from my mental intuition. With most things, I will have an instinctual sense of something, and if I'm trying to figure it out I can piece out what my gut instinct is and know that going with it is usually right. But with directions, I'll second guess myself, and then I'll second guess my second-guessing, and it all swirls around in my head and I literally cannot find any solid ground to go from. My memory of places is just not concrete enough to remember how to get from place to place unless I've consciously directed myself along the path thousands and thousands of times. Places often look a lot different than how I remember it in my head, and that is a big part of the problem. My conception of spatial reality is always filtered through my particular personal lens. And it always ends up being cloudy and confused, with some things I remember quite well because they're meaningful to me but most places around it look different in real life or don't exist at all in my mind. It all goes back to how I am, I'm always just in my head thinking about things and don't have a good grasp of spatial reality or my surroundings. And it has always especially made directions difficult for me. I truly never thought I could really learn how to get around Harrisonburg, I never imagined that I could possibly have the capability with it that I have now. It was all just always so cloudy, it was like someone trying to get around New York City for the first time, every single time. So I've really improved with directions when it comes to Harrisonburg.
But anywhere else and it all comes back again. I've improved just a little bit with my general directional ability, from getting better with Harrisonburg, but not much at all. You put me anywhere else, and it is as hopeless as ever.
I have a bad memory with responsibilities and deadlines too. If there's something that I have to do, I'll remember that I have to do it, and then I'll forget about it for two hours or twenty four hours or a week and it'll usually take me a while to sort everything out. I have so many cycles with responsibilities and things that I still have to do that I haven't done yet. I forget deadlines and future dates and times really easily too, it really has trouble sticking. For Ciro's I have a fixed schedule, but for Domino's the dates and times were all over the place, it could be literally any time starting or ending at 0, 15, 30, or 45 after the hour, from 9:30 in the morning to 4 AM at night, on any day of the week, and I actually really liked the variability and fluidity, but I always had trouble remembering when I was working. And I could look at when I was working on a certain day, see that it was 11:15 am to 6:00 pm, look away, and literally the next second forget exactly what the times were. All the 15s and 30s and 45s really messed with me, I have a good memory with numbers but not when they're imperfect, in a non-mathematical format. It's why I have a bad memory with telephone numbers. So that especially made it difficult, but I have a bad memory with stuff like that in general. I just really have trouble remembering things like that. And then I know people who not only know their own schedule by heart, but the schedule of everyone else that works with them for the coming weeks. It's really impressive.
That part of my mind and my memory is especially pronounced and highlighted when I'm hearing a deadline or some kind of official, formal communication. It would happen literally all the time in class, I would hear everything the teacher said really well, but the instant they started talking about when something was due or when a test was or something like that, my mind would tune out, and then it would start hearing again when they started talking about something else. And it wasn't on purpose, it wasn't like I wasn't listening on purpose or was even aware that I was zoning out, it would just happen the minute somebody started talking about deadlines. The same thing still happens now, when I'm watching sports on TV or something and they start showing when the next games are going to be, I immediately tune out and then I realize after the image is gone from the screen that I completely didn't hear what they said. It happens in other ways too, when someone's talking on TV or on a video or something and they start telling you something that's in that same vein, a formal communication about something you need to know, I often tune that out too. Something about that type of communication tells my mind that it's time to rest and tune out for a minute, it's really ingrained.
So I have a bad memory with a lot of things. But anyway, all of this is to say that I don't remember my childhood very well, but I know that when I was younger I was happier and more unconscious. But as far back as I can remember, I can remember having a part of me that didn't really want to live. And not in a dark way either, I've never wanted to die, and I've only been close to that a few periods in my life. But not wanting to die is different from wanting to live. And I just really don't exactly. Every single day, at some point it comes into my mind. I'm content to go on in life, and to go along with things, to be a part of things, to float along like a bottle on a river and try to be happy and have a good life while it lasts. But I'm always waiting for it to end. I look forward to when I can finally rest. I look forward to it more than anything else. For me, life is so long. It's incredible how long humans live. There is so much depth in a single day, a single week, a single month, and most people get so many years of it. It's really incredible, and I really do enjoy it and appreciate it, but I can't ever get rid of the deep feeling that I want to go away and not exist anymore. I'm enjoying it while it lasts, and trying to be grateful for everything and have as good of a life as possible, but I'm always waiting for it to end.
And this is part of what I mean, that everyone else is just so much more real than me. Everyone else just seems to accept living as the default, and just seems to want to be a part of things, and to just be a part of things, in a way I never have been. Everyone else seems to have things they're really, actually interested in doing in the future. I don't have that energy. I'm really interested in a lot of things, but I would be completely content for it all to just go away right now. I don't have the feeling that my path is incomplete. I'm content to just go along and enjoy things, but I really just want to be here for the people I care about. And I'm just waiting until I can rest.
I feel removed from a lot of things. I am truly, infinitely removed from being my true, uninhibited self around other people. I don't even know what that is. Everything for me is controlled, I plan so many things in my mind and I don't do anything without thinking about it first. It's just how I naturally am, I'm always trying to perfect how I am towards the world. So me being really myself is in being not-uninhibited, not free, not uncalculated. I am completely myself, and I really am inside of me, but I never fully, truly present that to other people. I'm always trying to perfect my interactions with people and I'm always trying to accommodate everyone as much as possible. I can only truly be myself inside of me, where I always am completely, genuinely me.
I don't really care about most people. It's a complete contradiction, I care really deeply about everyone and I am really sensitive. I can instantly find myself caring deeply about a complete stranger I just met, it happens all the time. Their problems become my problems; I want to make them feel better, I want to make them feel validated, because that's what makes me feel good. I have a deep desire to make everyone feel validated when I come in contact with them, to make them feel valued and listened to and cared about. It's one of my strongest instincts, I cannot not do that with people. It is very very hard for me to be unfriendly. The hardest thing in the world for me is hearing somebody say something and not giving them some recognition or response that I heard them, not giving them something that validates them.
But at the same time, I still do not care about most people. I realized years ago, that there's only very few people that I would actually care if they died. There's my immediate family, and there's a couple close friends. If any of them died, it would be very very difficult for me. But anybody else, and I truly genuinely could not care less. Intellectually I care, but it doesn't really affect me emotionally at all. Even people that I'm close to or that I care about a lot, I can think about if they died and how I would feel, and I really cannot see myself actually being affected inside. I would just keep on going and be just as happy as before. If they're within that very small circle for me, then I can see myself being very affected. But anybody outside of that, and I know that I would really feel nothing. I've had people in my extended family die, and some I felt more for than others, but in the end I'm always feeling quite peaceful and happy inside while everyone else around me is crying and sad and upset.
I care much more about animals dying than people, animals dying really affects me, I don't have to know the animal at all. Especially dogs. I don't know why, it's just how I am.
I care much more about fictional characters usually too than most people.
Am I just a shell
Floating on the wind
A shell of myself
Of I don't know what
A shell of the sky
A shell of the sea
A shell of the stars
A shell of 5 year old me, running with my jacket
Is there a lamp
That will light the way
That will bring the ships into the bay
That will light the path cause there's no stars
That will fill the days and heal the scars
Is there a key
That will open the lock
That will free the clouds and open the clocks
For time to slide into the sky
And take you away on a timeless ride
I want to keep going
But it's also pretty hard
The icicles are beautiful but the glassy shards
Are sharp to step on
When the world turns upside down
When the earth flies into the sky
It's hard to keep both feet on the ground
There's a person, who is more genuine than anyone I've ever known, more really herself, than I ever thought possible. She reminded me what it's like to actually feel the goodness and deepness of the world and not feel embarrassed about it, to actually seek out the colors, to actually be myself.
And I used this person, I used her, so deeply, without even realizing it. Without fully realizing what I was doing, and I might have ruined everything. If I could do that, what am I capable of doing? What harm am I capable of causing? If I could do that, to the only truly good thing that's ever come across my path. I am not meant for good things. The truth is I am way too selfish. I think of myself as good, but I really am pretty terrible. I've never fully realized it until now. This is something that this has taught me. At the end of the day, I am always, always going to think of myself above everything else, and that is bad for this world. I am nicer to others than anyone I know, but there are people I know who actually care about other people. Who would actually sacrifice themselves for other people, who would actually put others above themselves, who would sacrifice themselves for me. Who have sacrificed themselves for me. I do not sacrifice myself for anything. I avoid sacrifice like the plague. And I only do it, if it presents itself as the best option for me, to get what I want from things. Sure I accommodate other people, I'm really really good at that, but at the end of the day it's only cause I like doing that. To get me to actually do something that I don't want to do, willingly and of my own volition, to volunteer my sacrifice for somebody else, is so foreign to me. I cannot actually think of when I have ever done that. And there are people I know, who would do that in a heartbeat, who do that all the time, who have done that for me.
And I just take it for granted, I so naturally take it for granted. I expect that that's how things are going to be. And I am always calculating, trying to arrange things, trying to get everything how I want it to maximize my pleasure and my comfort and my ease. Sure I include the people I care about in that, and try to arrange things for everyone to get along as much as possible and be as happy as possible too, but that's only at the end of the day because that makes me feel good. In the end, what I'm after is helping myself feel good. I thought that I could have both, but ultimately goodness does not really come from selfishness. I am not selfish in the natural or traditional sense, I'm always paying attention to everyone's feelings and trying not to hurt others, and I very rarely just go for what I want or indulge in what I want, I am a master of endlessly delaying gratification and I am a master of patience, but in the end I will always put myself above everything else.
Am I just a shell
Of the ghosts of my past
Which will come out to hurt
The good things in my path
I've stored up all this sadness inside
And I thought I could bottle it up
And it would all go away
And I thought I could turn it into goodness for the world
But it turns out
That sadness is just sadness
And hurt is just hurt
And I am broken
A broken thing
That doesn't work right
And that is going to hurt those that come near it
When have I actually ever done anything good? I do good for the people I care about, but outside of that I have done close to nothing. I am too selfish, too comfortable, to ever step outside of my world and try to help the world outside.
I could travel to the moon
And I would still be alone
Because you wouldn't be there
I could travel to the sea
I could jump into the breeze
I could fall into the stars
I could fall asleep at the park
I could take a candle to the pool
And let it float out gliding smooth
I could go to London Greece and Rome
I could go to sleep and go back home
I could hear the footsteps down the hall
I could eat a foreign candy bar
I could whistle to the swimming whales
I could open up all the world's mail
I could skate across a frozen lake
I could sleep and dream while I'm awake
I could sleep beneath the sprinkling rain
I could sleep on a quiet moving train
I could swim beneath the soothing breeze
I could climb a hundred thousand trees
I could find the best tree in the world
I could see a whirlpool as it swirled
I could go the caves and go to the sea
I could let the quiet come to me
I could see the sunrise from the hill
I could eat some ice cream as it spills
But you wouldn't be there
And you wouldn't be there
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
In the moon's candlelight
The water glows silver in the night
The candelabra of the stars
Shines down on these seas of ours
The knight has lost
The kingdom is broken
The sea spray in the air
Flies on the breeze in the silence
When I listen to the sun
When I fall asleep with the rain
I don't know what's happening next
I don't know where the world is
What has happened to everything in this world
Where did the ground go
It has disappeared from beneath my feet
And flown away into the sky
The water glows silver in the night
The candelabra of the stars
Shines down on these seas of ours
The knight has lost
The kingdom is broken
The sea spray in the air
Flies on the breeze in the silence
When I listen to the sun
When I fall asleep with the rain
I don't know what's happening next
I don't know where the world is
What has happened to everything in this world
Where did the ground go
It has disappeared from beneath my feet
And flown away into the sky
Friday, April 20, 2018
There were no more stars upon the shore
No balls of lightning on the beach
The magic had flown into the sky
The dreams they left with a quiet sigh
The rain it drizzled on the lake
The pine trees whispered in the wind
The clock it turned and started again
Back to one and back from ten
The years flew back and faded away
All the ache and all the pain
Gone from the body like a soothing sigh
A sigh that goes on for a thousand nights
If the castle fills with moss
If the sun forgets the rocks
If the clothes are tattered and torn
If the steel is old and worn
Can we go back to the peaceful nights
When the air was fresh and everything was right
Can we go back to the so good days
When it all was nice and nothing was astray
The glass bottle fell into the stream
And floated all the way to the sea
And all the way to some distant shores
Where someone can find the message inside
And know the secret forevermore
Florence casts its silent spell
Upon the travelers and wishers well
The gypsies in their silent scarves
Left in the shadows left in the dark
Will we ever treat our outcasts well?
Our pieces of glass left on the beach
I am not a piece of glass
I will never know what it feels like to be one
I will never know what it's like to be utterly ignored
To feel worthless useless ragged and scorned
To be a footnote in the pages of your life
To be an accidental meeting of the eyes
But I do know what it's like to feel less than
I feel it every day of my life
I know what it's like to not want to be here
I think about it every day and every night
I know what it's like to have that quiet ache
Where something's not quite right within your brain
I know what it's like to feel helpless and hopeless
I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong
We are all living with spiritual poverty
Our souls are desperate hungry and searching
Tired and not filled from childhood on
It doesn't matter how much material affluence you have
When your soul is thirsty
Our society is poisoned and broken
We are all broken and keep getting more and more broken
We are slowly suffocated and don't even realize it
Cut off from nature and the healing rush of water and wind
Cut off from families and the feeling of surrounding love
We are all taught to be against each other
To compete with each other instead of supporting each other
To watch our backs and not be real with each other
In case it's seen as weird or weak or something to jump on
To stomp on each other and stampede each other on our race to who-knows-where
When we could just walk and enjoy the sky together
Or run through the fields and not bother anyone
We are all broken
We are all hurting
We are all suffering from wounds we don't even realize are there
We're taught that it's completely enough to have food on the table and money in the bank
And anything else is complaining
And not being grateful for what you have
And not giving regard to those who are starving or left to die
So we push it down and tell ourselves everything is okay
Even as our soul is silently screaming
I don't ever want to be ungrateful
It's one of my highest deepest values
I know how lucky I am
And I hate feeling spoiled or like I'm being ungrateful
But I know that we're all silently suffering
And that our society is broken
And that it all could be so much better
But it will be really really hard to get there
The trees sigh above you as you walk down the muddy path
The cool stream ripples by you to the side
The fresh air fills your lungs
And you immediately feel better
We are all cut off from nature
It could help all of us so much
The sliding glass door looks out upon the deepest sea
Where water sings its symphony
The desert in the silent night
Is filled with the air of a quiet sigh
When heaven opens up its gates
When birds echo across the lakes
When an avalanche races down the hills
When the surf it rises and high tide spills
When silent seedlings dance and grow
When the water of the river is cool and slow
When you play in the rain and laugh in the sun
When your legs feel good and you just want to run
When your toes haven't fallen off and you feel like rain
And the thought of the next day is not filled with pain
And you want to think and love and grow
And you want to eat ice cream and eat some snow
When the voice of the nighttime speaks to the stars
When there's so much time and the day is ours
When gumball machines are filled with wonder
When the earth has not been torn asunder
When dreams are daylight and the sky is blue
The windows are open and air fills the room
When moss it grows upon the stone
And it feels so cool and cold and old
When sundrops glisten on the lake
When colors flicker in the flames
A rainbow of blowing glass and kaleidoscope eyes
A song of golden water and light
When icicles drip from where they hang
When as you sleep you hear the rain
When the misty morning is quiet and cool
When turtles swim inside the pool
When floating dust dances in the sunlight
When the music box plays into the night
When sea foam spray surrounds the air
When the swirling breeze is everywhere
I don't want to bother anyone
I just want to go away
I just want to go away
The clock it slowly turned to seven
The tree frogs continued their quiet lesson
The train it passed out from the gates
The flowers sat inside their vase
The christmas lights glow in the window
The music grows to a crescendo
The icy water is nice and cool
And all I want is you
The sky it spoke of life and tears
The rain it washed away our fears
The peach it rolled across the table
The sun will shine on if its able
The stairs led down the garden path
To the quiet woods out back
The morning is gray and soft and cool
And I am sleeping in the dew
No balls of lightning on the beach
The magic had flown into the sky
The dreams they left with a quiet sigh
The rain it drizzled on the lake
The pine trees whispered in the wind
The clock it turned and started again
Back to one and back from ten
The years flew back and faded away
All the ache and all the pain
Gone from the body like a soothing sigh
A sigh that goes on for a thousand nights
If the castle fills with moss
If the sun forgets the rocks
If the clothes are tattered and torn
If the steel is old and worn
Can we go back to the peaceful nights
When the air was fresh and everything was right
Can we go back to the so good days
When it all was nice and nothing was astray
The glass bottle fell into the stream
And floated all the way to the sea
And all the way to some distant shores
Where someone can find the message inside
And know the secret forevermore
Florence casts its silent spell
Upon the travelers and wishers well
The gypsies in their silent scarves
Left in the shadows left in the dark
Will we ever treat our outcasts well?
Our pieces of glass left on the beach
I am not a piece of glass
I will never know what it feels like to be one
I will never know what it's like to be utterly ignored
To feel worthless useless ragged and scorned
To be a footnote in the pages of your life
To be an accidental meeting of the eyes
But I do know what it's like to feel less than
I feel it every day of my life
I know what it's like to not want to be here
I think about it every day and every night
I know what it's like to have that quiet ache
Where something's not quite right within your brain
I know what it's like to feel helpless and hopeless
I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong
We are all living with spiritual poverty
Our souls are desperate hungry and searching
Tired and not filled from childhood on
It doesn't matter how much material affluence you have
When your soul is thirsty
Our society is poisoned and broken
We are all broken and keep getting more and more broken
We are slowly suffocated and don't even realize it
Cut off from nature and the healing rush of water and wind
Cut off from families and the feeling of surrounding love
We are all taught to be against each other
To compete with each other instead of supporting each other
To watch our backs and not be real with each other
In case it's seen as weird or weak or something to jump on
To stomp on each other and stampede each other on our race to who-knows-where
When we could just walk and enjoy the sky together
Or run through the fields and not bother anyone
We are all broken
We are all hurting
We are all suffering from wounds we don't even realize are there
We're taught that it's completely enough to have food on the table and money in the bank
And anything else is complaining
And not being grateful for what you have
And not giving regard to those who are starving or left to die
So we push it down and tell ourselves everything is okay
Even as our soul is silently screaming
I don't ever want to be ungrateful
It's one of my highest deepest values
I know how lucky I am
And I hate feeling spoiled or like I'm being ungrateful
But I know that we're all silently suffering
And that our society is broken
And that it all could be so much better
But it will be really really hard to get there
The trees sigh above you as you walk down the muddy path
The cool stream ripples by you to the side
The fresh air fills your lungs
And you immediately feel better
We are all cut off from nature
It could help all of us so much
The sliding glass door looks out upon the deepest sea
Where water sings its symphony
The desert in the silent night
Is filled with the air of a quiet sigh
When heaven opens up its gates
When birds echo across the lakes
When an avalanche races down the hills
When the surf it rises and high tide spills
When silent seedlings dance and grow
When the water of the river is cool and slow
When you play in the rain and laugh in the sun
When your legs feel good and you just want to run
When your toes haven't fallen off and you feel like rain
And the thought of the next day is not filled with pain
And you want to think and love and grow
And you want to eat ice cream and eat some snow
When the voice of the nighttime speaks to the stars
When there's so much time and the day is ours
When gumball machines are filled with wonder
When the earth has not been torn asunder
When dreams are daylight and the sky is blue
The windows are open and air fills the room
When moss it grows upon the stone
And it feels so cool and cold and old
When sundrops glisten on the lake
When colors flicker in the flames
A rainbow of blowing glass and kaleidoscope eyes
A song of golden water and light
When icicles drip from where they hang
When as you sleep you hear the rain
When the misty morning is quiet and cool
When turtles swim inside the pool
When floating dust dances in the sunlight
When the music box plays into the night
When sea foam spray surrounds the air
When the swirling breeze is everywhere
I don't want to bother anyone
I just want to go away
I just want to go away
The clock it slowly turned to seven
The tree frogs continued their quiet lesson
The train it passed out from the gates
The flowers sat inside their vase
The christmas lights glow in the window
The music grows to a crescendo
The icy water is nice and cool
And all I want is you
The sky it spoke of life and tears
The rain it washed away our fears
The peach it rolled across the table
The sun will shine on if its able
The stairs led down the garden path
To the quiet woods out back
The morning is gray and soft and cool
And I am sleeping in the dew
Saturday, April 14, 2018
The sky watches the earth and sea
The bubbles float away from me
The sunlight shines upon the ice
The stars are filled with glass
Are the stars really made of glass?
Shiny liquid crystal shining in the sky
Is a mirror a quiet lake?
The smooth still water filling the mirror's frame
As the liquid flows up the escalator stairs
And the rabbits dance without a care
I will be there and I will be there
I will be there and I will be there
How much more time do I have on earth?
I really really hope it's short
The seas they rise and the waves they fall
And I don't want to be here much longer
A lemon falls into the water
Ice floats in the glass
The candy cane bells ring out in the day
The cold clear sunny Sunday afternoon
The fountain of water rises in the air
And splashes back down in the wishing well
The bubbles float away from me
The sunlight shines upon the ice
The stars are filled with glass
Are the stars really made of glass?
Shiny liquid crystal shining in the sky
Is a mirror a quiet lake?
The smooth still water filling the mirror's frame
As the liquid flows up the escalator stairs
And the rabbits dance without a care
I will be there and I will be there
I will be there and I will be there
How much more time do I have on earth?
I really really hope it's short
The seas they rise and the waves they fall
And I don't want to be here much longer
A lemon falls into the water
Ice floats in the glass
The candy cane bells ring out in the day
The cold clear sunny Sunday afternoon
The fountain of water rises in the air
And splashes back down in the wishing well
Saturday, April 7, 2018
The key won't turn in the lock
It's the wrong key
Or something is wrong with the gates
Or the house has gone and moved away
Or your heart is gone and melted away
What do you do when the liquid runs out?
When the glass breaks and the water starts spilling out
Is there a way to put the water back?
Is there a way to fix the glass?
Can the liquid gold of light
Fill the water all back up
And melt the glass back together
If a rose falls in a stream
And floats away away from me
Is there a way to catch up
Is there a way to bring it back?
The rose floats along the water
The water is clear and cold
If a firefly can glow and light up the night
If a peaceful breeze can feel so right
If snow can fall and taste like snow
If the moon can rise and flowers grow
If whales can sing and the sea can listen
If the sun can shine and dewdrops glisten
If rain can fall upon the trees
If chimes can tinkle in the breeze
If strawberries can taste like the skies above
If there can be such a thing as love
If there's the seasons spring and fall
Can the world really be that bad at all
The gates won't open
The house is gone away
The kingdom is having trouble
The kingdom is falling apart
The fountains and the statues are still there
But is there anyone there
The gardens are beautiful and empty
Sleeping in the quiet
The keys are missing
The air hums like the flowing of a river
The air is quiet
It's the wrong key
Or something is wrong with the gates
Or the house has gone and moved away
Or your heart is gone and melted away
What do you do when the liquid runs out?
When the glass breaks and the water starts spilling out
Is there a way to put the water back?
Is there a way to fix the glass?
Can the liquid gold of light
Fill the water all back up
And melt the glass back together
If a rose falls in a stream
And floats away away from me
Is there a way to catch up
Is there a way to bring it back?
The rose floats along the water
The water is clear and cold
If a firefly can glow and light up the night
If a peaceful breeze can feel so right
If snow can fall and taste like snow
If the moon can rise and flowers grow
If whales can sing and the sea can listen
If the sun can shine and dewdrops glisten
If rain can fall upon the trees
If chimes can tinkle in the breeze
If strawberries can taste like the skies above
If there can be such a thing as love
If there's the seasons spring and fall
Can the world really be that bad at all
The gates won't open
The house is gone away
The kingdom is having trouble
The kingdom is falling apart
The fountains and the statues are still there
But is there anyone there
The gardens are beautiful and empty
Sleeping in the quiet
The keys are missing
The air hums like the flowing of a river
The air is quiet
Saturday, March 31, 2018
The breeze lifts the blanket on the couch
The couch sitting by the open doors
It's quiet on a Sunday
Slanting sunlight comes through the white morning
The brick of the walls is cool and old
There's no one around
There's no one away
The world is quiet
Icicle bells float in the stream of time
Their icy ringing echoes through the air
The candles float on the pool water at night
Their light is gentle and the silence speaks
Violet flowers surrounded by ice
Their purple is bright with the clear crystal
Golden spoons sit on the white tablecloth
The plates are empty
Is there a sky
Are there trees
Is there a wayward bumblebee
Is there a star
Is there the earth
Is there a pool of water
If a falling star lands in the water
Does it light up the water with a glow
The keys to the kingdom are missing
The castle gates won't open
In the courtyard the breeze floats across the stone
The shadows are cool in the sun
The plants are fresh and alive
There's no one there
No sleepy sky in a seaside town
The lemonade sits in the glass with ice
The bedsheets are soft and cool
The wood of the house is old and nice
Mint ice cream in a white bowl
Under light coming through a stained glass window
There's ripples in the pool of water
The water is clear
The couch sitting by the open doors
It's quiet on a Sunday
Slanting sunlight comes through the white morning
The brick of the walls is cool and old
There's no one around
There's no one away
The world is quiet
Icicle bells float in the stream of time
Their icy ringing echoes through the air
The candles float on the pool water at night
Their light is gentle and the silence speaks
Violet flowers surrounded by ice
Their purple is bright with the clear crystal
Golden spoons sit on the white tablecloth
The plates are empty
Is there a sky
Are there trees
Is there a wayward bumblebee
Is there a star
Is there the earth
Is there a pool of water
If a falling star lands in the water
Does it light up the water with a glow
The keys to the kingdom are missing
The castle gates won't open
In the courtyard the breeze floats across the stone
The shadows are cool in the sun
The plants are fresh and alive
There's no one there
No sleepy sky in a seaside town
The lemonade sits in the glass with ice
The bedsheets are soft and cool
The wood of the house is old and nice
Mint ice cream in a white bowl
Under light coming through a stained glass window
There's ripples in the pool of water
The water is clear
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
As I wait inside the aisle
The sliding staircase of time alight
A glinting escalator all bright and
metal
And down the hall the footsteps settle
The world is falling asleep at night
On the walls the lamps splash their
light
Their muted shadows in the hall
Are like the quiet music of the fall
The leaves cascading to the earth
Gently falling they twist and turn
The quiet whisper of the breeze
Is the rushing wind through all the
trees
The doors of time they open halfway
And in between worlds you fall away
Into the sky and into the sound
Of the peaceful sea that's all around
The water surrounds you and your ears
And you hear the plinks of sound
The bubbles in their underwater world
The refreshing blue that's all around
And you slide through the sky and pass
through the years
And the rushing clouds wash away your
fears
And the glowing sunlight shines on the
stars
As the sun at nighttime is like a dream
from afar
Candy canes in summertime
Icicles in the sea
Boats on the water in the middle of the
street
Peaches and ice cream
And I want to run until I stop
Half a mile from quiet rocks
And listen to their daytime whisper
And learn about their world and rest
there
And the path is quiet as I walk
Alone at night back to my room
Along the brick the footsteps echo
The silence is loud as it surrounds all
around
As the glass falls to the ground
It slides sideways through the gates of
time
The melting glass becomes a liquid
Like blowing glass across my mind
And I just want to sleep alone
In a world that's all my own
Where the soothing air is like water
all around
And you can be there forever
So let the candles burn to sleep
Let the castles fill with trees
Let the moss grow on the stone
Let the ivy twist and roam
Let me live in utter peace
Where I don't have to worry and I can
sleep
Where the freezing air of wintertime
Is the cool breeze on a summer's night
Where the burning warmth of a fireplace
Is the glowing sun of summertime
That warms your skin as you swim
through the pool
The cool water refreshing you it's so
cool
And you jump into the piles of leaves
As autumn sings its symphony
And there's no one to bother you all
around
No useless people to mess up the sound
Of nature in its perfect peace
You can run in the rain and fall to
your knees
Fall into the squishing mud
And fill the paintbrush up with suds
Of blue and yellow and crystal paint
And paint on a paper right next to a
lake
And jump in the lake and come out the
other side
To a world where right is left and left
is right
Where the glowing gates of Istanbul
Open up to midnight cool
Snow on the moon and ice on the lake
The glass displays are filled with cake
As you walk down the street and hear
the trains
And smell the sidewalk in the rain
And slip into a daytime dream
And the mind glows with a glassy gleam
And silver birds fly miles and miles
And you pass alone through the
turnstiles
The passageways of love and life
The empty stadiums in daytime
The sand along the river's shore
Has the waves flow gently back and
forth
The sunset that shines across the water
Is way too beautiful to dream
And can the trees take back their
earth?
Can the flowers grow with mirth
Can the seals go to the water
Can there be no more slaughter
Can the turning gates of time
Open up to a world of light
Back before the humans came
Back before the world was stained
I just want to disappear
Beneath the blankets where there's no
fear
I just want to go away
Where I don't see or feel or hear
As I wait beneath the stars
They seem so close but still so far
As I drink the icy water
I drink a glass and I want another
As the seashells go to sleep
Their ocean's echo fills the deep
As the lions stretch and yawn
In the meadow there sleeps a fawn
And as I stumble through the snow
The giant world it turns and turns
And as the branches begin to grow
My sleeping soul it yearns and yearns
The dewdrops in the morning grass
The morning mist is like the past
The caves beneath the mountains cool
Are filled with memories of dew
So drink the sun and feel its glow
Fill you with a yellow warmth
Drink the sea and feel the blue
fill you inside and peace rush forth
As I wait beside the sea
The quiet breeze is light and cool
The waves fall and fall upon the shore
And all I want is you
Can the night it hum with rain
And glow with fireflies all around
Can there be a time without pain
Can I sleep without a sound
Can the rain fall on the roof
Can the trees be filled with fruit
Can the icicles survive
And drip along like icy flutes
The staircase winds along the aisle
It keeps on going for a while
The morning rain falls from the sky
And I am sleeping with quiet eyes
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Can the wind rush through the leaves
can there be some evergreens
with their branches covered in snow
glinting in the sunlight glow
Can there be a wintertime
with soft deep snow reflecting bright
the cool crisp breath of winter air
snow castles and running and quiet lairs
Can there be a springtime
with quiet rain and misty mornings
Flowers and trees and dew in the grass
Smooth sunshine and the earth slowly warming
I want to run on top of a mountain
I want to dance beneath the waves
I want to drink grape snow slush
I want to explore rocky caves
I want to glide across the sky
I want to go on a rushing ride
Away to where the earth is still
where the quiet rain falls on the windowsills
where the floors are marble and the windows are glass
where the ancient seas of heavens past
are filled with the whales that sing their songs
and you just want to ride along
swim along in the deep down under
till you're taken away with wonder
the magic of the ocean's glow
the secrets of the seaside snow
a snowglobe world beneath the waves
a glassy castle of endless days
The seagulls fly into the night
the fireflies glow with their light
the moonlight glows upon the sea
the twinkling stars dance in the breeze
The wind blows gently across the ocean
the ripples dance out in the open
And I just want to be among
The rain and wind and air along
The boardwalk lit up at twilight time
Strung with lights along the lines
And rusty ladders that lead down to the sea
And you drop off into the waves and you feel so free
And you swim to the shore as the rain pours down
And you eat some fruit with no one around
And you find a map that's old and torn
That takes you to some ancient shores
Of an island that has been forgotten
With woods and sand and rocks untrodden
And canyons deeper than the earth
Over which fly the soaring birds
And dragons in their quiet calm
Troubling no one there's no alarm
And the candy canes grow along the banks
Of rivers winding down to the lakes
So deep and blue and shining in the sun
And in the old trees there is one
Ancient tree all winding and worn
Thick and smooth and soft and old
That holds the truth of ages past
Covered in moss it will always last
And the dew drops form on the grass and ferns
And the soil and mud is filled with worms
And the icicles drip from the branches and rocks
And the moonlight glows upon the raindrops
And the fireflies are like stars in the air at night
And the air it feels so good and right
And the oranges taste like the skies above
And in the morning you hear the quiet doves
And you sleep in the rain beneath the trees
And you hear the rain upon the leaves
And the pools of water so clear and cold
Are worth so much more than gold
And the waves they fall upon the shore
They will keep on going forevermore
Can we go back to when there was time
For breathing sleeping peace and quiet
For laughing running in the mud
For feeling the sunglow in your blood
Can we fly into the sky
And feel the tension wash away
Can we swim in the deep blue bay
Cool and soft I love you today
can there be some evergreens
with their branches covered in snow
glinting in the sunlight glow
Can there be a wintertime
with soft deep snow reflecting bright
the cool crisp breath of winter air
snow castles and running and quiet lairs
Can there be a springtime
with quiet rain and misty mornings
Flowers and trees and dew in the grass
Smooth sunshine and the earth slowly warming
I want to run on top of a mountain
I want to dance beneath the waves
I want to drink grape snow slush
I want to explore rocky caves
I want to glide across the sky
I want to go on a rushing ride
Away to where the earth is still
where the quiet rain falls on the windowsills
where the floors are marble and the windows are glass
where the ancient seas of heavens past
are filled with the whales that sing their songs
and you just want to ride along
swim along in the deep down under
till you're taken away with wonder
the magic of the ocean's glow
the secrets of the seaside snow
a snowglobe world beneath the waves
a glassy castle of endless days
The seagulls fly into the night
the fireflies glow with their light
the moonlight glows upon the sea
the twinkling stars dance in the breeze
The wind blows gently across the ocean
the ripples dance out in the open
And I just want to be among
The rain and wind and air along
The boardwalk lit up at twilight time
Strung with lights along the lines
And rusty ladders that lead down to the sea
And you drop off into the waves and you feel so free
And you swim to the shore as the rain pours down
And you eat some fruit with no one around
And you find a map that's old and torn
That takes you to some ancient shores
Of an island that has been forgotten
With woods and sand and rocks untrodden
And canyons deeper than the earth
Over which fly the soaring birds
And dragons in their quiet calm
Troubling no one there's no alarm
And the candy canes grow along the banks
Of rivers winding down to the lakes
So deep and blue and shining in the sun
And in the old trees there is one
Ancient tree all winding and worn
Thick and smooth and soft and old
That holds the truth of ages past
Covered in moss it will always last
And the dew drops form on the grass and ferns
And the soil and mud is filled with worms
And the icicles drip from the branches and rocks
And the moonlight glows upon the raindrops
And the fireflies are like stars in the air at night
And the air it feels so good and right
And the oranges taste like the skies above
And in the morning you hear the quiet doves
And you sleep in the rain beneath the trees
And you hear the rain upon the leaves
And the pools of water so clear and cold
Are worth so much more than gold
And the waves they fall upon the shore
They will keep on going forevermore
Can we go back to when there was time
For breathing sleeping peace and quiet
For laughing running in the mud
For feeling the sunglow in your blood
Can we fly into the sky
And feel the tension wash away
Can we swim in the deep blue bay
Cool and soft I love you today
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
