It feels a little worse
Than when we smashed that glass on the mountainside
On the shoulders of giants
And I cried for two days
On the inside, on the inside

It feels a little better
Then when we lost ourselves at the park
In the splitting misty sun
And I fell into the ravine
Into the divide, into the divide

The panther sighed
With misty breath
And told the angels to look distressed
So the western sky would look away
And endless night would become endless day
I threw myself into the voice of summer
And didn't watch if I would get torn asunder
I just wanted to taste the ice cream
And run in the sun and splash in the stream
I took my chances on a ray of moonshine
That lit up the park in the endless night
Slipping into the pool under the southern stars
We whispered in the water and barely talked

And what if I told you the stars went to sleep
What if I told you the sky began to weep
Curtains of rain falling across the hills
The sink overflowed and out the water spilled
Sliding through the drainhole in the heavenly sky
And I fell down into the divide, into the divide

It was the sigh of wintertime that woke up the dove
And made it forgo the precepts of love
Gliding through the sky like a white-winged mirror
In which we saw our scattered hopes and fears
I wish I could tell you
The million ways
In which angels, souls, and creatures go astray
I took a breath of wintertime
And my blood was filled with wintry light
A cold-hearted person with nothing but
The chill of silver flowing through the veins

Don't lose your breath as you sigh to the sea
Don't turn away from the voice of the trees
Far away the sirens swell
Into the music of chimes and timelines fell
It was Friday night with lights all around
And I was drowning in the bright glowing sound
Globes of light dancing on the breeze
Like leaves in the wind, like dandelion seeds
And I was crying and laughing and searching for the song
The pulse of my heart that whispered along
To the bells that streamed from the Empire State
Like papers on the breeze across a lake
The world as it was
As it is as it was
In your voice in your face I feel truth I feel trust
Can I drink the dew from the forest orchids
And slide from the sky and continue soaring
Who knows if I'll hear the songs that mend
Who knows if I'll hear your voice again
But I'll tell this to the sun as it turns into a rainbow
And the spray from the falls tasting like the juice of a mango
If the rain drizzles down like yesterday's dream
I'll be there
If the starlight comes down in the glow of a moonbeam
I'll be there
Who knows if I'll hear your voice again
Who knows if I'll hear your voice again

It was your holiday in the sun
But since the age of nine it was difficult for you to swim in the yellow golden glow
The nuclear furnace of hydrogen and helium
And solar flares and sunspots and egg yolk sunrises
Sixteen thousand miles away the mother of mercy leaned in her chair
And sighed and sighed
Because the ghost of god was swirling in the sun
In the sea of the sun swirling and twirling
And a thousand miles away the moon gardener snoozed in a rocking chair
The rocking chair going creak creak creak in the silence of the moon
Not a sound all around, just the sound of the truth
Closer to that place where the heart of the universe speaks to you in sighs and whispers
And clinks and plinks of sound below the sea
The sigh of the sea
It was permanently a moonbeam that shone through the miles of water
A moonbeam glowing like the whistling magic of whalesong
And all this time you lived down the street
I turned right at the sunset and arrived at the moon
And I was flickering, turning, slowly slowly
I'm a flower in a garden on the moon and the red petals are seeking rain water
And the moon gardener is asleep and rocking slowly, slowly
And gravity is as merciless as time can be
Dreams fall to the floor like the yolk of the sun in the space time continuum
Cereal spilled on the floor
Milk spilled in space and no one there to clean up the cereal bowl
Or will the space clouds clean it up slowly, slowly
Fog drifted down the mountainside
And I sat watching it without a word on my lips
Because there was no one around
It was just like I was on the moon
In the empty white stillness
And I was so alone
And I was so alone
Piano song drifted down on the beams from the sun
And it was a holiday in Rome
Where I connected to that place long ago
Swimming in the sun
Ninety three million miles away
Some things feel like ninety three million years ago
And a million miles too far
Just out of reach of the fingertips
Grasping like a sigh on the edge of your lips
And you were on vacation to Neptune
And you were so far away
And I wondered when you would be back

I'll be there when moonlight turns into a rushing stream
Rushing down to earth to fill the valleys and puddles
And it seemed like it wasn't quite a flute playing in the background
Coming from the indigo sunstream off in the distance
And in the valley of the stars there were six and ten and one and four
And two and more and two and more
The sixteen stars flickered and burned
Holding hands with the hallways of life
Oxygen burning like mist from millions of miles away
And millions of years ago
The city lights couldn't wake me up
Because I was sleeping under the stars
Where the world opened up all around and the heavens rained down
With the hum of space and the universe and the wide open world
Angels gathered near the candles
Flickering in colored glass cups in the gently sprinkling rain
And I was a thousand miles away with a sigh
Floating in the river, slowly drifting by, slowly drifting by
Under the lamplight of the stars
Were you on a holiday somewhere
I couldn't tell
Beyond the blooms of sighing fields
It was back to the beginning
And it was a sundress picnic in the springtime
And it was back to the beginning
And it was back to the beginning

I wanted to be afraid of nothing but the windows in the clocks, the crystalline shards raining down on moontime meadows, swirling slowly slowly sacred and free, turning flowly flowly into the deep. I wanted to hide in June, I wanted to hide in the blankets, I wanted to hide far away in the hills and stars, away from the cars, away from the cars, in the arms of wintertime in a field of snow, in a gentle garden where cabbage grow, and tomatoes that mix with arsenic that make a poisoned sweet, we gave the tomato honey to a corporate priest, a million dollars gives you a lot to buy, and I never thought I was going to cry, as I swam around in the poolside deep, heaven is a pool and a nice cold drink. I wanted to be afraid, of nothing at all, but I am afraid, I'm so afraid, I'm so afraid. The face of the corridors closed on the sun, and soon Venus couldn't see anymore, she was blind, and flying through the sky at a light-years pace, is a lot harder when you can't see where you're going, when you can't see the Earth to your right or Mercury to your left. The Earth was on my right, there was the ground, I was on the outside floor with my face pressed in the dirt. Cold wet clothes and sprinkling rain. What was I doing there with mud on my face? How long had I been there, lying on the ground, how did I get here, how did I fall? Slowly I got up, hiding from nothing, hiding from everything, and it was June it was June. I needed lemonade, but there was none in the fridge, I needed a cold walk in the quiet, but the sun wasn't listening. I needed to be afraid of nothing, I really did, but the sky wasn't listening. Can we drink lightning, drink it like rain, or was there a taste, yesterday yesterday. Rolling in the stained glass covers you in rainbows, just like painting with watercolors. I was quiet once on New Year's Day, and it was sunny outside and there was snow on the ground. Has anyone ever drank lemonade on New Year's Day? Walking down the streets of Times Square in Manhattan, with a bottle of lemonade, where time stands still, where time stops, where it goes backwards and forwards and sideways and slow, sliding into the calming other side, please don't regret the way I was whispering, it was only because my voice was so loud. I really have trouble whispering, because I'm so happy to be speaking out over the hills. There's no such thing as a loudspeaker where I come from. Where I come from, you have a voice, you have the stars, you have the wind, you are afraid of nothing, you are afraid of nothing. You have your blood and your heart and your legs and your tears, you have orange juice and magnets and the whispering clocks. They put you to sleep and you swirl forever and ever. I was back around to where I started but I had slept a million hours. And I was so well rested. I lay my head on your arm and we just sat there quietly, afraid of nothing, afraid of nothing. That's always how it was with you. And I couldn't wait to lie in the clouds, so I fell through the wisps all the way to the earth. And that's where I landed and that's where I lay sideways with mud on my face. What if lemonade ran through your blood, could you run fast through the streets of Manhattan, afraid of nothing, faster than lightning, liquid lightning in a can, that's why I ran that's why I ran. I ran because lightning flowed through my blood, and it was lemonade, and I wasn't gorgeous but I liked the trees. The face of the sea whispered to the boardwalk, and the sea spray drifted over the wood like so many teardrops of flowers. Scattered spray in the rainbow sun. Can I hide, can I run, can I run in the sun. Is it June? I can't tell. You were a little late, but that's okay. The calendar doesn't count in seconds. I wasn't afraid of the ticking of the watches, the golden watches, glinting in the sun, but I was so afraid. And really I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be yesterday,  I didn't want to be today, I didn't want to be in June, I didn't want to be on the tower under the moon. There something fell, was it an umbrella, was it my spirits? I couldn't tell. But as it drifted down on the wind, I forgot how to breathe and how to count to ten. You were there standing in the rain, quiet and dressed up like it was church for a wedding. You were so beautiful, you always were. I didn't want to watch out for the stars falling from the sky. I want to be there under the stars, as they fell down around us. The stars fell down and the music played, it was a symphony of rain, it was a long time ago that the rain fell on the tin roof? When did rain first fall on a tin roof? The first time, the first time it ever happened, a long time ago, thousands of years ago. Was I there? I can't remember. Was there suffering then, was there need, was there fear? Were they afraid, or were they afraid of nothing? Afraid of nothing like me, I am afraid of everything. I am so afraid, I am so afraid. No it wasn't yesterday that the plums fell into the lake, no it wasn't the day before that either. Maybe it was a hundred years ago. And the lavender bushes gave off their fragrant breeze, and the suncatcher danced in the wind, catching the sun for all of us. Do you know that they used to have to collect the sun? They would fill up containers with the sun, and they had to collect it and keep it safe. To use for everyone, for everything, to power the world, to light up the world. Can I light up the world? Or am I too afraid? Afraid of nothing, afraid of everything. I really would love there to be nothing. I don't want to be here anymore. Because the sun doesn't cry and the rain doesn't laugh, because there aren't puddles anymore, and there isn't paint, and there are no angels. Where did all the angels go? I don't know I don't know. Yesterday the springtime drank the spring, the cool clear spring, the running water flowing over moss and stone, sliding down the slopes and under the bridges, the cool creek, where life begins. Can we hide in the sound of the bubbling brook, and be there forever, relaxing in the sound. Is it June yet? I can't tell. I dropped my calendar in the river. I wanted to be afraid of nothing, nothing but the ruby red stars and the icy candy bars, nothing but the freezer near the tennis courts, nothing but the sound of tennis balls hitting against the surface, nothing but the icy drinks clinking in their glasses, sunshine glistening in the ice, and I could hear nothing and I could hear everything, I couldn't hear what you were saying but I could hear the ice in the glass, I could hear the quietest rustle of the leaf in the magnolia trees, I could hear the pool fountain a mile away, I could hear the girl crying in the fourth story with the balcony, or was it a boy, was it a boy, and I could hear nothing, and I could hear everything, I could hear the rustle of the carpet as the air conditioning played out across the soft fabric, and in the other room there was an argument, and the people were shouting, and this might have been in the city, or in the next city over, and somewhere in New York the water was drowning it was drowning, swirling down the faucet sink, around and around like the whirlpools in Greece, and I could hear Odysseus a thousand years ago, calling out calmly over the Mediterranean Sea, on his Odyssey in the noontime sun, but what if in fact he wanted to run, run away run away, run far away to a Seoul hotel, where it was quiet on the backsteps and a worker sat listening to music, inside the world of their headphones on their fifteen minute break, as Odysseus came strolling over looking for something new. Would this be something new? Could they even understand each other? I don't think Odysseus spoke Korean. Particularly not modern Korean from thousands of years later. Do you think he spoke Japanese? Do you think he spoke French? I don't know if she did either. Would she understand him, or would he keep walking by, through the back door, and give her a small smile on the way by, and into the kitchen where swordfish was cooking. Would he steal a little fish and eat it in the sun, just like back in sixth grade gym class. Inside the kitchen in this hotel in Seoul I could hear the refrigerator running and the oven running and the smoke and the grease and the calls and the feet, the feet of the workers moving around, pots and pans and not a single shout, a spoken word here and there, and all I wanted to do was prepare, prepare for when I could hear again, and when I could never hear again, and I could hear the rustling of the fives and tens, as a cashier in Morocco counted the change, a coin fell to the floor and rolled away. I could hear a whisper in Rome and a storm drain in Peru, I could hear a bell in Virginia and the drying of glue. I could hear the girl crying on the balcony and the sound of the rain, as it danced across the surface of Lake Champlain, I could hear the church bells yesterday counting up to twelve, ringing out over the ancient streets of Perugia. I could hear the sound of a camera shutter clicking in the next town over, and in the other room the TV was playing, maybe it was a movie, they were speaking in low voices, and I strained to hear, another world away, they were speaking of paperwork. I was speaking of victories, yesterday in the bank, and I was hearing a voice, on the other side of the telephone line, from the mayor of Maine. It was whispering, and it was speaking of the past, back when they didn't have to worry so much, back when the flowers whispered in the wind out on the balcony, back when the wind chimes played so quiet and sweet, back when they needed each other, back when they wanted each other, back when they were afraid of nothing, when they were afraid of everything, when they could find joy in finding a hummingbird's egg, because they were together, they were together, and under the painted sky I suddenly cried, and why did I paint that sky with watercolors, because as I cried the colors rained down on me and streamed down my face, tears of paint and electrolyte rainbows, I couldn't wait I couldn't wait, they spoke of victories on the radio, but I didn't want to win and I didn't want to lose. I wanted to fall dissolute on a poolside chair, and think as folk music played in the background, on that radio where they spoke of victories, and glories, and triumphs and grace. Is Grace a name? Is it a song? I heard a song once in a car. They sand of sadness, and losses, and tragedy and tears. This was in Ontario, and the British flag played in the wind as it stretched out from the side of the roof of the hotel as we passed by. Can we go back to the times when taxis weren't yellow, when the sky wasn't blue, when watermelons were golden and we went to the zoo, we showed our faces to the vanishing wind, we counted down from one and from ten, we twirled around in the humming of the sea, we slipped into the sighing breeze. Out into the night on the balcony under the stars, and it was a boardwalk, and there were no cars no cars, twinkling lights strung out along the coast, and it was the land I've known for so many years. I've been here for years, for decades, for so many Junes, for so many glasses of lemonade, for so many pieces of ice, for so many blades of grass in the whispering meadows. Can we hear the voice of a flower, can we just pass the hour, juts like this, just like this. In the sparkling sky I drank the bubbles of creation, the bubbles of blue sky and cloud and fizzing sun. I drank the sunset and I drank the wind, I counted down to one from ten. Zero swirls in the halls of the courts, echoing tile and stark green shirts, gold pieces raining down on the floor, your eyes like silver and your voice like the sun. Your lips spoke the truth of a thousand years and I listened to the hush, a sigh in my ears and calm in my lungs. I didn't want to speak, I wanted to listen, I wanted to listen to you for a thousand years. If time stops in Israel do the clocks feel it in San Diego? Do the grandfather clocks feel it that look down from the mountains over the icy lakes, do the watches feel it that float around on the streets, on people's wrists and in jewelry stores, can we go to a jewelry store in June. Can we ask the gold watches if they feel it. Do they feel it too. Time stopped on the day the puddles ran sideways, and watercolor spilled across the face of  the earth, out into space like a sideways glass, and slowly I fell to sleep in the arms of the sun. Can you hear the hush of the sun? Could you hear it yesterday? It was so nice yesterday, did you feel it too? I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy with you too. I want you to be happy, and I want you to want me to see you happy. To see you happy and to see you crying, to see you sleeping and to see you waking up. I want you to want me to be with you. I want you to want me, I want you I want you. Why do you not want me anymore, why do you want to hide from me, hide from me for a thousand years, hide from me for a million years. I don't want to be like the moon and the sun, always hiding from each other, always sliding across the sky at the other time. Why can't the moon and the sun be in the sky together, why can't they be together? Am I the moon or am I the sun, are you the moon or are you the sun? I don't know and I will never know. I don't think. I laid my head on the glass and I just thought, for a long time. The window slid out into the sky and opened into a world of suntime meadow. I fell asleep. Please don't cry, sun, don't cry tears of ice or beams of rainbow. It was a little late but the clock kept ticking quietly, as the windows of the apartment opened up onto the boardwalk. The air conditioning was quiet and the sheets were blue on the bed on the bedroom. Out over the sea on the other island you were sleeping, you were dancing in your dreams, slowly slowly turning by the sea. It was raining and the drops fell on your face. And you liked it so much. Was I there? In ice cream there is a chemical called vanilla, that comes from the shores of the moon, thousands of miles away. Have you heard of the moon? Have you seen its glowing white light? It's so beautiful, just like you. The piano played out an even melody over the winding plants of the garden, and it was June, and the birds were singing. I wanted to be afraid of nothing, but I was afraid of everything, I was so afraid, I was so afraid. I wanted to be afraid of nothing and drift around in the pool, I wanted to be afraid of nothing and breathe deeply so smooth. The books in the library weren't speaking, but they were speaking, so quiet and loud and happy and proud. I could read their pages from a thousand miles away, the smell of the pages dancing like the fragrance of lilies, the joy of eternity. I wanted to hide in the blankets and read forever. The breeze played across my hair and I felt like it was May. The revolving door went around and around, all brass and steel and silver and gold, a beautiful creation, just one door, in one building, on one street, in one city. Look out over the rooftops of the stars, look out over the clotheslines and churches and streets and fountains. It was the day that the sky would show its face to the sun, and the air all around would turn inside out so cool and warm and clear. It was nighttime, it was daytime, it was rejoicing in the streets. Gypsy scarves and resolute skyways, slowly slowly dancing like icebeams, jumping around like festival doves, pouring rain, flooding rain, flooding the streets. It was rain on the wedding day, the earth couldn't wait, it was rejoicing rejoicing. Nothing was so golden as the cold of the snow, so white and clear and that's where I was sleeping. In the soft soft snow. Nothing was so wonderful as the sigh of the stars, in the realm of the sky, in our hearts, in my mind, starshine in your blood and the path by the sea, running by the ocean deep, whales deep below and waves all around, running on the shore unaware of the immensity so close by, and I was afraid of nothing, and I was afraid of everything, and the sky was so dissolute because it lost its birthday, it couldn't find it, so it was crying, it was crying, and rain fell all around, fell on the brass doorknob outside the Golden Hotel, fell on the soccer fields downtown next to the bank, fell on the flower beds in the garden of a stranger, or was it a stranger, is there any stranger, am I a stranger, are you a stranger, am I a stranger to myself, do I know myself, the rain fell on the wooden porches and people in the streets, the rain fell on the wooden benches and the rabbits under the trees, I need you, I need you, I need you like the rain needs the flowers and the flowers need the rain, I need you and I needed you, I want you and I wanted you, I need you I need you, the rain fell on the poolside umbrellas and it fell on the unhappy statues, it fell on the docks and the windows and the cars and the telephone poles, on the telephone lines and the petals of flowers, on the place where lightning struck seventy years ago, on the tree frogs and dewdrops and the reflection of stars in the lake, that's where the rain fell, that's where the rain fell too, I was always late, I was always late, but there was the rain, there was the rain, it fell on pianos being moved and the wings of doves, it fell on gumball machines and people's shrugs. The rain fell on books left out on the table and on clothes on the clothesline, the rain fell on earthquakes and starquakes and crumbling church towers, it fell on the Tower of Pisa and bottle rockets, it fell on marbles in the grass and golden lockets, it fell on candy bars and newspapers and coins and steps, it fell on fire escapes and wintertimes, firesides and summertimes, chimneys and lambs by the brook, sugarcane and little nooks. I wanted to taste the sunlight but they said that was impossible, but just a taste, just a little taste, and maybe I would be happy. Maybe it would taste like honey. Honey flowed from the icicle glaciers and I just stared, for a thousand days, for a thousand years. And I slept, for forty hours, for forty days, for forty thousand years. The stars have been awake, for millions of years, do they sleep, do they dream? I think I would want to swim around in the dreams of the stars. I was  a little late but it was okay, you were there. And I was afraid of nothing, and I was afraid of everything. And I drank the drips that fell from the melting icicles, and suddenly it was a stream, flowing into my mouth. It cooled off my mouth and it felt really good. And I fell asleep, with my face pressed against the window, and I felt so good, and so calm, and so safe. Resting against the glass, so asleep, so asleep. I love sleeping.

Don't forget the sound of the dripping water
That slowly fell onto the tile that day
The words fell in slow motion from your lips
And hours later the water still dripped in the silence
As you sat and stared at the wall

It's so dangerous to think that the sunlight is going to win
When it loses it feels like the world is covered in an icy mist
And for just a moment the wind lingered on the doorstep
Before continuing on to further and further lands
But in that second the cool breeze felt cool on your cheek

I remember that cheek of yours I think
I remember everything
I remember when I couldn't remember
Which is always
And forever and forever

Forget all the insistent lies of the mountains and the mysteries
Cradle the summertime in the hands of the clocks
And the shoes that cover bare feet
Tap tap tapping down the dusty cobblestone streets
And clap clap clapping like old amphibian speak
The frogs in the streams
Croaking at night
The sound everywhere but they're out of sight
Out of sight like Roman castles
Driving in Rome is such a hassle
Snaking through traffic like a renegade bike
Red light green light blue light white
Fruits tumbled down the steps
And into the sink
White doves flew down for a springtime drink
In the halls of summertime the ocean is the chorus
The churchbells ring in the echo of the seashells
I listened to a seashell sitting on an airplane
And light years ago I was dancing in the rain
Memories float like Saturn in the sea
Drifting into the glassy gleam
Sharp as a knife the crystalline shards
Fracture and splinter and break all apart
The icy remnants of icicle hotels
That the hermit crabs live in
When they leave their seashells
It was many months before the spark reached Paraguay
Sixteen months until the kingdom swayed
And let out electricity to all the earth
The waterfalls flowed, the gates in rebirth
The stained glass windows revolving in time
A revolving door with tinkling chimes
And I was listening to the sigh of the sea
And wondering where were the whispering trees
If it was easy if it was easy if it was easy
I would have done it long ago

And their hands were in their pockets and their heads down against the wind
And instead of twelve the clocks were counting back from ten
Was it the past heading into the future or the future moving into the past
I really felt like the future was my past

So in seventeen days I'll be on the moon
In seventeen weeks I'll be mumbling tunes
In seventeen months I'll be crossing the shore
In seventeen years I'll be at your door

It was the same door all those years ago
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
The earth remembers
I never remember anything

Sixteen glasses of orange juice spilled on the glass
And through the orange puddles you could see through the glass
The sleigh bells carried off into the distance
And a millennium went by in a moment and a moment in an instant

The egg didn't keep its promise
As it rolled off the counter and smashed on the floor
I didn't keep my grip on the world
As I fell from the sky and smashed through the door

In that moment I wanted something more than anything in the world
That moment was a series of reverberating moments
That rippled out throughout my life over and over
For a minute for an hour for a day for a year
Endlessly
I couldn't escape

The lullaby pattered out by the falling rain couldn't quite quiet my mind
Nothing could hush my mind
Couldn't quiet the longing, the desperation
Couldn't make everything all right

The chill wind lingered on the doorstep for just a moment
Old worn stone and an icy wind with a trace of moisture
The same way time lingered for a moment over all the glasses in the city
Before they shattered in the morning

Shards of crystal rained down on St. Peter's Square
And they thought it might be heaven breaking
The angels in the midst of an earthquake
A skyquake
An earthquake in the sky

Shards of sunlight rained down on my life
And I thought it might be heaven dreaming
Heaven dreaming that everything was all right
Telling me that everything was all right
As the golden sun shone in the beautiful white snow
And the melting crystal delightfully cooled my mouth
It was trying to tell me that I could be happy
And things were okay
Even though I knew they weren't

Unconsciously the wind lilted in her hair
And I stood there lost in the moment
Unconscious, semi-conscious

I floated in and out of time
For thousands of years
Thousands of days
in one moment
And I was waiting waiting waiting
And it never came

Can I lay my head down on the grass
And fall asleep forever
Near the old wooden pews
In the outdoor chapel
Sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
Waiting for you to come back

It was a million silent suns
That counted all the way back to one
And started the silver all over again
The silver that wound its way through the dew
Over and through me and you
It started with the snow in the stars
And the gentle flames that flickered in the dark
The blue robin's egg sat still in the bird's nest
The sun lazily strolled across the sky to the west
The doors of heaven were open to thousands of trees
And the angels had no reason to fear the bees
Waves washed upon the shore with a peaceful rush
And the breeze whispered from the sky with a hush
On through the window and through the door
The windows were open and the dust on the floor
Settled in the afternoon sun
For the voice of the voiceless so many races were run
Ice dripped from the statues in the ice hotel
And drifting through the windows came a wonderful smell
The smell of pizza cooking in the fire
The moon it rises when the sun goes to retire
In the halls and the bedrooms of the mountain sky
Over and over the cloud wanted to cry
And in the sleepy churchyard
The butterfly's wings
Blew a tiny breeze over the golden ring
The air was quiet
The river was a dream
And the life in the air it wanted to sing

You're always on my mind
When the spiderwebs stretch out over the black expanse of the night sky
Glistening with dew
Charlotte built that web
Because he was her friend
Friends are always together
Their souls are melted together like puddles of ice water
But it's so so hard
When it's only a memory
I am living in the past
I always have
But now I really really am
It's so hard
When you're living in the ghost of a memory
And there's silence in the present
And it's nowhere to be found
"At this they wept aloud again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her."
I clung to her
I have clung to everyone I have ever considered important
Even if I do so silently
Even if they would never know it
No matter how much it seems sometimes like I don't care
I really don't know where to go next
I want to go to the past
But it's impossible
I have no idea how to travel back in time
And I don't think I will ever be able to
If someone asked me where I want to go
I would say the past
I wouldn't say India
Or Ireland
Or Florence
I want to go to all of those places
But at the same time it doesn't matter
But if you told me there was a way to go to the past I would take the first train
Nothing much really motivates me anymore
But just the thought of that motivates me so much
And gives me the feeling that life would then have a meaning
Once again
Because I could go back and try to fix everything
And if not
I could still be with you

Seventeen thousand ice castles floated on the sea
And you were so far
far far away from me
Behind the door you can't open
The door you can't even see
The gates of time
That float in the air
Like wisps of wind
I see you through the wind
Through the air
But you're not the you of the past
The you who wants to see me

I remember a time when I went to the woods
To read a book about dragons
Hiding in the sacred shelter of evergreen trees
I think it might have been raining

I was seventeen thousand steps too short
Of reaching the moon
Seventeen thousand seas too short
Of being with you

I want to be with you forever
I don't want it to be never
Who knew I could be so halted
By something I presumed to not even care about

Blue christmas lights reflected on the stained glass
And a fountain bubbled as the candles flickered
You're always on my mind
The waves fell against the shore
The birds fell asleep to the sound
The gumball machine sat in the corner
The sunlight reflected on the glass
In the garden the rabbit slept on a pillow of grass
The breeze whispered through the trees
The lilies and tulips didn't know what to say
And I didn't either

How to Save the World

The world is being destroyed by humans. Thousands of acres of rainforest are being burned down every day, the screams of orangutans and flying squirrels being swallowed up by the fire and smoke. There is a giant patch of garbage larger than the state of Texas floating around the Pacific Ocean. Over half of all the animals in the world have been killed off since 1970. Poisons pour into our water and skies every single second, contaminating the lifeblood that runs our planet. Nine out of ten people worldwide breathe air containing high levels of pollutants, and seven million people die every year due to air pollution, along with who knows how many animals and plants. Farm animals around the world suffer in horrific concentration camps, crushed together in filthy suffocation for the duration of their lives before being ripped apart for our consumption without a second thought to their pain. Any place that comes into contact with humans is inevitably trashed and spoiled. Bombs are dropped and missiles fired in more than forty currently active wars on planet Earth, and only 11 countries are free from involvement in any war. And one of those countries, Switzerland, itself exports an extremely high amount of weapons. Another one of those countries is Vietnam: nothing needs to be said there. War destroys everything, from the environment to cities to people. Even the humans that escape war in their lifetimes pervasively live in suffering; from the poverty and slavery experienced by the poor of the world to the numbing disconnection and spiritual poverty of the rich. Drugs and addiction are everywhere we turn, and with their enslavement of us they ruin us from the inside even as we tear apart the world around us with our brutal dominion over it. Humans may not have been born this way, in the state of nature, but we have irrevocably become this way after thousands of years of agriculturalization and industrialization. We are creatures that cannibalize and ruin whatever we touch.

So what's going to happen? Are we going to pull out a miraculous turnaround, change everything, and save the world? No. It's simply not going to happen. What's going to happen is, sometime in the next couple of hundred years, nuclear weapons WILL be used in war, and this could result in global nuclear war. Up to and beyond that point, the environment will continue to be obliterated. Meanwhile, the global population will continue exploding, with more and more humans coming into a world that is less and less able to support them. There is no solution.

Every species in the world, and all the mountains, oceans, and winds that surround us, are unconditionally worse off with humans around. The only exceptions are ourselves, obviously, dogs, and the few other domestic animals we treat well. Besides that, all of the other life on Earth would be much better off if humans disappeared. So we are weighing the fate of millions and millions of species, along with the fate of the planet itself, against the interests of about five species.

What do I think should be done about all of this? I think the only ethical solution is the sterilization of every human on earth, including myself, so that humans will eventually disappear from the earth and the planet can thrive and be reborn in our absence. Is forced sterilization wrong? Yes. Would I want it to happen to me? No. But I think in the grand scheme of things it is a small wrong compared to the immeasurable good that would come as a result. And we are in all likelihood going to kill each other off anyway at some point before the sun explodes, so it's really just controlling that process in a peaceful way.

When you think about it, there really is no moral argument against bringing about the end of the human species in some way. Someone might have a moral argument against my chosen method, mass sterilization, forced if necessary, but against general advocation for the end to humanity there really is no argument. The only arguments you can think of inevitably cluster around human-centricness or fundamentalism. One might argue that supporting the extinction of any species, even one species, is a crime against life itself, but I think the only way to truly create an ethical framework is for it to be able to respond to the requirements of circumstances rather than to be shackled by black-and-white absolute maxims. An illustration: if I traveled back in time and was in a room with Adolf Hitler, would I be morally justified in killing him? I think I absolutely would. Would it be morally wrong on some level? Absolutely. But everything has to be weighed and balanced, and I think the evil of taking a life would be greatly outweighed by all the evil that that action had a good chance of preventing.

And we take life all the time. It is part of our very nature as omnivores. We were never morally pure in the first place; no animal is. We naturally exist in a gray area where in order to survive we must commit some moral wrongs, we must extract from the earth and the creatures around us some way to survive. We are all part of the same cycle, eating and being eaten by each other. We can't drink sunlight. Most people would insist here, as my own internal psychology does itself, that that is not human life; that there is a difference between taking the life of humans and the life of other animals or plants. But there is absolutely no moral backing behind that. The ONLY justification for that line of thinking is human-centricness. Human supremacy might be part of someone's professed value system, but that is so obviously totally invalid as a moral principle. All that is is our own biological natures and our societal upbringing telling us that we are more important than everything else, just as every species thinks. We are not inherently more important than any other creature. It is unequivocally clear that there is no ethical argument against that. Taking a human life is no different ethically than taking the life of any other animal. Both are equally wrong. Killing some kind of creature that we are designed to eat, so we can eat it for sustenance, is ethically wrong but not very much; we can't be blamed for how we were designed. However, killing a human or some other animal purely for sport, whether it is a pigeon or an elephant, is one of the highest moral wrongs. Killing Adolf Hitler, I feel, would lie somewhere in the middle.

And it is the same way with my support for the extinction of Homo sapiens sapiens. When you realize that there is no verifiable difference in the value of a human life versus the life of any other creature, and all the implications of that, you realize how totally wound up we are in human-centricness and how screwed up our thinking is by conformity and never actually thinking things through. Is working to bring about the end of the human species a moral wrong? Yes. Is it really that bad? No!! Hundreds of species go extinct every day, mostly because of humans ourselves, and humans are just one species out of millions on earth. The only way to prevent the destruction of all of that, of the entire planet, is to do what we can to leave this earth. Maybe something different will happen in the future, maybe some alien race will come here and save us, maybe God will descend from the heavens and actually do something, but we can't rely on wild hopes. We have to rely on the evidence in front of us, and in the thousands of years of suffering that came before us. And all the evidence shows us that humanity is incompatible with the health of the Earth, and that we must act before it's too late. The fate of a planet is in our hands.

I really don't like being negative; I am naturally repulsed by negativity and support optimism as a personal principle. I really hate being negative like this, it doesn't feel good. But I have to tell the truth. I can't sit by and lie and say I think everything's going to be all right. It doesn't help anyone for me to lie. And I clearly see that there is no hope for redemption.

So to the question of sterilization. I think this is the best solution and would save the world. Mass murder of humanity would obviously be absolutely horrible, and would almost certainly entail all-out global war and the destruction of so much else. Sterilization is very painless in comparison. The remaining seven billion humans would live out the rest of our lives, and after probably 150 years at most humans would no longer be a living species on earth. Thank God. Hopefully we wouldn't have irreversibly destroyed everything by then.

Am I happy that this is the proper solution? No. I wish there was another way, I wish more than anything that we could learn from our mistakes and save the world. But it just isn't going to happen. We failed, time to move on so that everything else can live.

Do I love children? Yes. Do I love dogs more than anything? Yes. Do I wish there to be a world where there are many dogs roaming around, lonely and lost without the human guidance that they are biologically ingrained to seek? Absolutely not. As someone who loves family and life and the cycle of birthdays and seasons and dreams, do I want there to be a world where there are no human children laughing and playing? No. But it's not about what I want. You can't always get what you want. We learned that in kindergarten, it's about time we listened. It's not about what I want, it's about what the right thing is.

Forcing sterilization on the entire human population would be in itself repulsive, but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing. Our ancestors and our own selves forfeited the right for us to have children a long time ago. When you are poisonous to everything around you, especially when you are consciously aware of it, you lose the right to carry on. If some other animal was as destructive to the entire planet as we are, if pigs suddenly started burning down forests and cities and being an existential threat to the earth, we wouldn't hesitate an instant to try to exterminate them. It's only because it's us that we think this is different.

So sterilization of humanity is the way to save the world, but is this going to happen? No. Humans would never willingly forfeit our survival as a species, carrying on is just way too ingrained in us as animals. And it would take some kind of massive movement in order to push things to the point for everyone to be sterilized on a single continent, let alone the entire earth. It could not just be dictated from the top, it would just not be possible for it to truly work, even if in some future one government controls the whole world. Even if 100 million people were sterilized, that would barely make a dent in the earth's population. And even if in some way in the future some totalitarian government controls the entire world, if somehow they can keep the gigantic planet and its limitless geography under one reign, from the Sahara Desert to the Arctic North to the Amazon Rain Forest, and even if they can somehow actually succeed in having the iron control to ensure they sterilize everybody and nobody slips through the cracks, there's no way that government would have the desire to sterilize humanity, it's just very very unlikely, at least if it was run by humans. A government with that absolute power would run on its own self-interest, not on any moral concerns, and causing the extinction of humanity would in no way match up with its own self-interest. And all of those hypotheticals are very very unlikely to happen anyway. No, what's going to happen is we're going to carry on as always, and we're going to destroy the earth.

Unless some sociopath like myself happens to take control of the entire world, there's no way it's going to happen. And if I somehow had the ability to bring about the sterilization of every human in the world, if I could really visit that upon every human being, would I be able to bring myself to do it? I don't know. I really don't know.

So what's going to happen? There will be nuclear war, and hopefully that wipes us out before we damage the environment past the point where it can eventually recover and flourish again. I'm just trying to live out my days before I can finally leave this world. I like life, but it also goes on so incredibly long. And I just want to rest. And I want the earth to be able to rest too, but that's not going to happen as long as humans are around. Hopefully humans go extinct at some point, and then the planet can breathe a sigh of relief. Could another dangerously intelligent species evolve from the ecosystem and the collection of life on earth, just like we did, and become just as bad as us? It's definitely possible. But hopefully that doesn't happen, or at least if it happens hopefully that creature is a lot better than us.

If there was any other way, if there was a way that we would solve everything and coexist with nature and each other in relative harmony, I would be the first to support the solution. But I really just don't see any way. Even if we overthrow capitalism, even if we somehow devise some actually good system of political and economic arrangement and spread it around the world. Even if we had the perfect system for human society, where inequality is vanquished and humans really thrive together, we would still be incredibly poisonous to everything else around us. There's just too many of us, and we're just too good at manipulating our environment to our interests and our needs. We have become the most dangerous creatures that have ever existed, and there is no going back to when we were relatively harmless hominid scavengers roaming the plains of Africa. If it was any other creature that was destroying the earth like this, we would easily see why they would need to be gotten rid of. With all of our vanity, it's pretty ironic that the most difficult thing of all for us is to just look in the mirror.

A thousand flowers
Drift from the sky
They float out over the city as the night turns to morning
They drift in through the windows of houses
And glide through open doorways
To find their way to glass vases and glass bowls
And settle in with cold clear water that fills up the glass from nowhere

I don't believe we've met
I am the king without a home
I am the fate that lifted the trapdoor
To fall again and trap me in it
Beneath the stage where the moonlight doesn't sing
I am the waterfall that slid over rocks
I am the motion that drives the hand of clocks
I am the tick tock that you hear in the middle of night
I am the chilly breath of autumn fright
I am the glow of piano keys
You hear when you see sunbeams in the water
I am the whisper in the breeze
That floats over the cliffs of Gibraltar

Don't take me away from where I'm sleeping
I don't want to go
I don't want to stumble into a restaurant and eat soup
I don't want to fall asleep on a bus
And wake up two hours later

Give it a try they said
But I'm falling from the crashing of a million ice castles
The shattered glass is falling all around me
And it's going to be awhile before I wake up on my pillow

Or I don't think I'll ever be there
It's hard for the wind to settle in a comfortable place

A thousand suns
Grew and died before the bird without a song rested in the halls of the castle
And I was the kingdom in the night
That held its breath until the fountains flowed from the sea

Can the old pool in the backyard
Become the chilly rain in Ontario
Can the trophy won by three wood elves in the forest
Take the place of the Golden Gate Bridge

Please don't take it away
I'm not ready for it to be gone
I'll never be ready
It's supposed to be here with me
Forever and ever
Nothing compares to you

There was a cat that killed a bird
And it didn't mean to
And it spent the next million years apologizing
But nobody and I mean nobody listened

Sixteen fireflies once twinkled in outer space
And the watercolor skies were God's only saving grace
The humming breeze of ruby-snow birds
Eclipsed the hummingbirds that spoke no words
And the sword of sunlight
Twisted slowly in the night
Lilting on the breeze like a summer kite
Revolving in the ice with the red red rose
As I rise up the spiral staircase my heartbeat slows
And my eyes open on the daytime in Rome
And there's a hole in the sky in the ancient dome
And ice skates and marbles and pebbles and lakes
Fill up the days with splendid stories and cakes
And I was eating alone
And I was eating alone
And my memories of the past drifted over the phone
Christmas lights and jelly and knights
Sugarcane and starry nights
The rabbit spoke to me in my quiet stupor
With a voice of honey and a hush of whisper
It spoke of caring for seas for a thousand miles
It spoke of triumphs and tears and hungers and trials
And the jury was out on whether the commotion
Of my heart could be calmed with a magic potion
Made from the juice of strawberries and the voice of sunshine
Welded from cool water and honeysuckle and rhyme
And I breathed in the sigh of the sea
And tasted the twinkle of stars
And it was a thousand years before I could fall far
Far far away from the noontime Narnia
And I was speaking with flowers from the genus Allionia
If I was the sunlight I would drift in through your window
If I was a candycane I'd show up on your pillow
If I was a sea snake I might be the same
If I was in the past I'd be laughing in the rain
I'd be skating down the glowing breathless gates of time
Laughing to the sky and hearing the bells chime
It was a thousand sacred skies before I fell
To the bottom of the wishing well
It was a thousand silent springs before I thought
I could fall asleep and the tears would stop
If I fall on the escalator and hurt my hand
If one of my eyes gets switched with someone in Iran
If the waves crash over the sandy sand castles
If I can't go to the orchard and pick up the apples
Can your quiet voice drift in through my window
Can the flow of the fountains be a calming crescendo
Can I find an old key in the garden rain
Can my quiet pleas not be in vain

I am a bishop gliding across the chess board
I am a chess piece with a glittering sword
I was once a good person that could heal a wound with a look
I was once a page in a book

Put me in wrapping paper
And send me to the moon
It's like seeing your reflection
In the curving of a spoon
And staring for a thousand days
And trying to think of a thousand ways
To breathe the soul electric
To sigh the seas eclectic
But the breath has gone out of me
And my soul doesn't live here anymore

It's floating in the moonlight
Floating on the wind
Drifting outside your window
Wondering if you'll let me in

It was a Sunday when the lamplight shattered
It was a Tuesday when the marbles scattered
It was a Thursday when I fell
To the bottom of the wishing well

Can I weave a thousand rhymes
To find the end to this wintertime
Or will the snow keep falling down
Until there's no more me in this town

I once believed in the ringing of a bell
And thought there was magic in seashells
But now I know the waves will keep falling
And no one will ever listen

Do I have a voice
Or has that gone away too
Is it floating somewhere out there
Somewhere in the ocean blue
Are there curtains in my eyes
Or is that just the sun's reflection
Is there a candle in my lungs
Or is that just clean dejection
When will the weeping willows
That hang over the lake
Rise again in the rushing wind
And sing the joys awake
When will the icy wedding cake
That married silence and sadness
Melt away in the gleaming sun
And allow the return of gladness

Find the lighthouse in the dreams
Of angels in the lilting spring
Send the light across the water
And maybe it'll find me

Before the green grapes lose all their flavor
Before the red grapes are nothing to savor
Before the sand castles are washed away
Before the sleigh bells go astray

Look into the sigh of the wind
And hear the gentle voice within
It was a thousand years before I fell
To the bottom of the wishing well